I’ve had a ‘real’ job since I was 15, when I went with my friend Jeanne and landed he dream job at Walt Disney World! (nope, I was not the “Mouse” too tall.) Food Service. I worked at Coke Corner, slinging hot dogs. When I had the opportunity to leave my really good job at Best Buy, I had no idea how much of my identity was wrapped up in being a part of that community! You know the one”.the “what do you do”"and the answer is “I work for”.”.
The 1st couple of weeks were easy. I could answer the question, “I was 1 of 500 people that left Best Buy in the worst macro-economic times ever!” and people would just nod their heads. I imagine they were thinking “wow, I wish I had a vacation”.
Then, a couple of months went by.
Now, it was beyond the catching up on rest, calls, and projects you’ve ‘always wanted to do’ phase. So, I tried these out.
-”I’m the CEO of the house”
-”I’m writing a book”
-”I’m trying to figure it out”
-”I’m starting a revolution”
-”I’m running for office..nope, haven’t decided which one. Just office”
Then, I remembered, one of my fav books. The Art of Possibility. Chapter 1. It’s all invented. That means my identity is invented too. I remembered I was doing a LOT of things. They just didn’t fit in a box! Thank goodness! I’ve been griping about putting people in boxes for years, and realized I put myself in one!
So, I tried this answer on for size.
“I’m picking up the kids, doing laundry, figuring out dinner, cleaning up cat puke, calling the plumbing guy, picking up dry cleaning, stopping for coffee, scheduling coffee, going to yoga, checking fights to Florida, sneaking in a run around the lake, volunteering on Move Across America day at my daughters’s school”oh, and writing a book, being a part of the solution “all before lunch.”
What are you doing now?
January 3, 2009, I was 1 of 500 people to choose to leave a good job, at a fortune 50 company in the worst ‘macro-economic times we have ever seen!’ I had been with the company for almost 7 years, and it was a tough decision to leave. I was leaving a successful career, in a company I really loved, with many people who had become my 2nd family.
February 6, 2009, my friend Mary Capozzi invited me to hear an author speak about purpose and the 2nd half of life. It was 1 week before my last day at the company, and I was feeling pretty raw. I wanted to sit in the back of the room and listen”and got there, and realized I was going to have to participate. I had to sit in a circle, look people in the eye. Crap! And if that wasn’t bad enough, we broke into small circles of 4. it gets worse. And answer the simple question, “what matters,” when it got to me, sweating, I said “I have no idea”I’m trying to figure it out, again.”
February 8, 2009, I found out Ms. Miller, my 11th grade American Lit teacher passed away. She made such a difference in my life. I remember sitting on my sofa with tears, regretting not telling her.
February 9, 2009, a wise person at my favorite caribou coffee shop, his name is Doug, said “structure is important in times of change”
February 12, 2009, I turned in my laptop (no dad, not my typewriter!), my cell phone and badge, and walked out the door.
February 23, 2009, two things happened. I was tired of all the negative stuff in the news. Just done with it. And, I remembered Ms. Miller, and regretting her not knowing what a difference she made in my life. I decided to write 50 letter in 50 days. I wrote my 1st letter to my niece Emma. I didn’t want another day to go by, without telling people in my life they have made a difference. I had no expectations. None.
Then, something happened. I started to answer the question, what matters. I started seeing patterns. Things that were important, like respect and listening.
My uncle received his letter in the hospital. I didn’t even know he was in the hospital. My best friend growing up called me. he received his letter and it “couldn’t have come at a better time”. He was going through a tough time with his family.
I got letters back. From Ann, telling me what it meant to her, and how she would keep it near her letter from her 16 year old daughter from years ago. And that she was sending a note to her daughter to thank her. From my brother, which meant so much to me.
I wanted more people to do it. Write 50 letters in 50 days. Keep the positive momentum moving forward. The world needs it.
So, let’s start a revolution. now..
One of my favorite books is The Art of Possibility by Rosamund Stone Zander & Benjamin Zander. Chapter 1, It’s all invented, is one of my favorites. I loved the chapter, because it reminded me that it’s all made up! Everything. I watch my kids do this every day. 50 was the number I picked, for no reason at all, because it worked for me.
Pick any number. Write 1 or 100. But, write it. Send it”in the mail
p.s. I did find that after about 7 or 8 letters, I got more insight into myself.
Speaking Engagements
No group is too small..or too big. Contact Missy to schedule
melissadurant@msn.com or call 612-558-7196
Workshops in your home
It’s kinda like a book club! Only, you write letters! I’ll come get you started, and you can take over. It’s simple:
- Find some friends.
- Pick a date & schedule your 1st get together
- When you meet, you get to write your 1st letter. On the spot!
- Everyone figures out their goal (ie. I”ll write 1 more…) & chat’s about their letter
- Figure out your middle check in date, and final meeting
Quickstart Resources
Helping someone’s Voice be heard. Listening. AccountabilityMs. Miller made a difference in my life. She probably didn’t know it at the time. But she did. Charlene Miller was a teacher at Titusville High School. She taught American Literature to 11th graders. In 1978, the school began ‘testing’ kids to help sort the smart kids from the average kids. That’s what it felt like anyway, I’m sure it wasn’t the intent. I don’t test well, and while most of my friends tested in the 4-5 classes, I was put in the 3 classes. Word on the street was, if you could get into Ms. Miller’s class, you had a better chance of getting to college. My goal was college.
Schedules came out, and I didn’t get her class. It was for 4-5 students. I went and lobbied my case to the administration. I got the nope, can’t do it. I decided to go and talk to Ms. Miller. I told her my story, and why I wanted to get into her class. She listened, and after a long Ms. Miller moment, said “there’s one seat left in the back. Take it”.
As an adult, I can imagine what the next week was like in the teachers’ lounge for Ms. Miller. I imagine she stood her ground, and wouldn’t budge until I was moved into her class. I imagine she called in a few chits. By the end of the week, she said, “it’s all taken care of”.The story doesn’t end here. Remember, I am 16. Like most teens, I was trying to fit in and figure stuff out. As if being 16 wasn’t enough, I was also figuring out why I was different. I was gay. I think Ms. Miller knew that. And somehow knew I needed some support.When it came time to choose an American author all the ‘cool ones’ were taken. At the bottom of the list was Gertrude Stein, so I picked her. Ms. Miller said “I think you’ll enjoy her”. I had no idea what that meant of course. I produced about 400 note cards. Typed a 30 page paper with footnotes. That’s when I figured out Gertrude Stein was gay. I had a role model. Something there wasn’t very much of in 1978 in a small town in the south. Thanks to Ms. Miller.It’s a great story. But look closer and here’s what you will see. I learned a lot from Ms. Miller.
-I learned that rules are made for natural disasters. The rest of the time, they are guidelines.
-I learned that helping people find a way to be heard takes some effort. You can’t speak for them, but you can help their voice be heard.
-I learned if you create an environment for someone to grow, with accountability and support, they will grow.P.S. I got into college.
P.S.S. Who’s made a difference in your life? Do they know? Write them a letter”.today.
Here’s the letter I would have sent her when she was alive”..
Dear Ms. Miller, April 24, 2009
I’ve thought about you more I the last 2 months than I have in many years. Somehow, I want to believe, you already know that. In 1978, you made a profound difference in my life. When I tried to get into your class, but was told no by administration, because it was a 4-5 class & I was a ’3′ you listened. You told me to take the last seat in the room. A week later, you said it was taken care of. In that moment, you taught me that helping people have a voice when no one is listening is important. You taught me that rules are made for natural disasters and emergencies and the rest of the time, they are guidelines that help us use our brains to make decisions. You taught me that when you create a big enough space, give someone support, and hold them accountable, great stuff can happen. You did that for me.
1978 was also the year Harvey Milk was assassinated. I didn’t know that though. It happened in California, and I was in Florida. I found that out in 2009 when I saw the movie. Milk would have, could have been a role model for me, but the internet was 15 years away. So, as luck would have it, I choose Gertrude Stein as the author I would research. I remember you saying something like “I think you will enjoy that one”, as if you knew. After months of research, 400 note cards, and a 30 page typed term paper, I realized she was a lesbian, and so was I. A successful author, hanging out with Hemingway, Picasso, Matisse, Wilder in France and changing the world. Looking back, I now realize how important that was. It came at a time in my life when I was trying to figure out who I was, and why I felt so different than my friends. Whether you knew it or not, you helped provide me with a role model, when I was struggling to figure out why I was so different.
30 years later, I hope you would be proud of the women I am today. Those moments helped shape who I am today, and are a tribute to you. You made such a difference in my life.
Thank you Ms. Miller.
58,261.
That’s the number of names listed on the Vietnam Memorial. I have been to the memorial twice. Both times, I remember standing and reading the names, looking at the memorials that friends and relatives had left. I remember thinking about the brothers, sisters, children, spouses”.loved ones they left behind. I am fortunate. I don’t know anyone who has died while serving the military. For those who served, thank you.
51.
That’s the number of letters I have written to people that have made a difference in my life.
Like Joe Coursen.
I don’t know a bunch about Joe. He was my band director in High School. Joe was a cigarette smoking, Bermuda shorts and black socks wearing, no nonsense kind of guy. He also knew a hell of a lot about music. I was in the marching band and concert band. By the end of my freshman year, I decided I wanted to be a drum major. Usually, they are tall. I wasn’t, in fact, I was 4’11′ and about 98lbs. The buzby, (that tall fluffy hat band nerds wear) was bigger than me. Anyway, when I tried out my sophomore year, for drum major, he didn’t blink. Turns out, the unspoken rule was you wait until your junior year. I didn’t get the memo. Joe told me what I needed to do for the try out, and afterwards, gave me really good feedback.
My junior year, I tried again, and made it. That’s when I really learned about leadership. I learned 2 big lessons. Discipline and the consequences of making decisions. Start time for practice was not a guideline. You were either in your spot, when he hopped on the hood of his Jeep, with his bullhorn and yelled ‘band, ten hut!’, or, you ran laps. He was teaching us time was important. He was teaching us that time was important, and how individual actions impact the group. It matters if you were in your spot, especially if you were marching in a formation. Promptness made the difference between beauty or a banged up instrument.
I also learned that being a leader, was about making touch decisions. I remember one of my friends, leaving skid marks outside of the field we practiced on. I ended up having to tell Joe, and he supported me, when I had to discipline my friend. It was a tough decision. I remember it. Joe had a choice, he could have done it, and let me off the hook, or he could teach me, and support me. He choose the second and I never forgot that lesson. Sometimes, the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do.
Joe will never get his letter. But an old high school friend helped me track down his daughter. I sent the letter to her, so she will know what a difference her dad made.
25.
The number of letters written by people hearing the story of Stitched. Join the movement. Today. Write a letter.
When I decided to write 50 letters in 50 days, I had no idea what would happen. I didn’t think that far ahead. I didn’t wonder if I could get it done. I didn’t stop to the count the people that made a difference in my life. That’s all head stuff. I just started. It was a simple process.
1. Think about someone who made a difference
2. Write them a letter. Tell them WHY they made a difference.
3. Thank them.
4. Mail the letter
That’s it. I had no expectations. I didn’t wait at the mailbox or phone for a reply.
Then it happened I REMEMBERED Giving without expectations comes back 1000 times.
I had to UNLEARN what I had learned in the corporate world. The unwritten rule of ‘if I do this for you, what will you do for me?’
Gifts come when you least expect them.
Last night, a friend of mine, Jeff told me a story about being at his daughter’s spring recital, and listening to the words of a song they sang. “For Good” from Wicked. He said the words reminded him of 50letters. He had gone to the internet and printed the words to the song, and highlighted the words. The whole thing caught me off guard. I forgot that learning to give also means learning how to receive, again. I felt tears and shut them down. He handed me the pages, and I folded them and put them in my bag.
This morning, I read the pages again. At the bottom, was a hand written note, signed by Jeff & Val. This time, I welcomed the tears. Thanks for the gift of your friendship and reminding me that giving is also about receiving.
Write someone a note today, and tell them they made a difference.
The world could use a little positive stuff.
Abbreviated Lyrics-Wicked “For Good”
And I’ve had so many friends. But only one that mattered
I’ve heard it said. That people come into our live for a reason. Bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return. Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true but I know I’m who I am today because I knew you”. because I knew you”I have been changed for good.
And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and says “what the hell is water,” The immediate point of the fish story is merely the most obvious, ubiquitous, important realities are often the ones hardest to see and talk about.
Opening to Commencement speech May 2005
David Foster WallaceToday, I am ME, because of the water I live in (metaphorically speaking), that is, all the people I interact with EVERY day.I ran 13.1 miles yesterday. I could take all the credit. Like a 5 year who believes that the world revolves around them. But, I remembered, I live in water and I ran 13.1 miles yesterday because of:Uncle Dick. Who started me running at age 9. The Jacob kids, who lived on the next block. Coach McNut Jr. High track coach. Laura Dixon, High School coach. Adrian Eisler, mentor, coach, friend and reason I got a gold medal in the 1998 Gay Games in Amsterdam. Joe & Dave, life long friends and athletes. Samantha, who supports my habit. Jen Dobovsky. Kelly Kunz, James Brown, Kelly Hall, Andee Jones, Pam Flynn, Jess Watje, Alyssa, Adrienne, Amanda, CWM, Lakeesha”Get the picture?Because it’s
OBVIOUS
and we are focused on ourselves, as if the world revolves around the capital ME, we forget to tell these folks they made a difference.
Who are the people in your water? Do they know? Make a
CHOICE
today, to write a letter today. And send it
TODAY!
Commencement speech:
http://cursingthesun.blogspot.com/2009/04/david-foster-wallace-commencement.html
Last night, 12 women and 1 man sat around a table in a backyard, sharing a little food and wine. There really is something about breaking bread together”but that’s another blog. The person who organized it called it a gathering with a ‘purpose’. I called it a stitched gathering. It was all fun and giggles, until we started talking about actually WRITNG a letter. Their eyes popped out. They started scooting their chairs back, and suddenly all had to use the restroom. They had figured out that getting there was easy part. This part was scary. The scariest, in the whole world part. Scarier than being 4 years old, and just KNOWING, that a monster lives under your bed, at night, and WILL get you. NOW, it was time to pick someone to write a letter to. AAAHHHHHH!!!! Then, WRITING the letter! AAHHHHHHH! It doesn’t get any scarier than this! Then, someone asked the question”"how do you get started,” (insert trembling voice)
So here you go. The obligatory “3 easy tips to…..” advice on how to write a letter.
First
It is difficult. You are an adult, I assume, like me, and most of what we do is in our HEADS. It seems daunting and might even cause flash backs to Jr. High when you got your paper back and it had so much red ink on it, it seemed like it was now a piece of evidence from a crime scene. Just accept that part and move long.
Second
This is the only “I am the center of the universe” part. Who you pick, doesn’t matter. Really. Because it’s your experience. Your criteria. Your perspective. No one’s going to judge you. There’s not a right or wrong. There might be an easier. I found it easier to write letters at first to people I only knew for slices of their life. Teachers, co-workers, neighbors, etc. Once I got the hang of it, THEN I wrote a letter to my mom. (hi mom)
Third
The longest 12 inches in the world is between your head and your heart. These letters are from your HEART. Chances are, that’s how they will be read when the person receives it. They won’t check for spelling or grammar or content accuracy, unless of course you are writing to an English teacher”then, check your p’s and q’s. These are all the things our HEAD checks for.
Fourth
I lied. There’s one more tip. Just write the letter. 13 people did it last night. And they all survived. No, thrived.
Fifth
I lied again. There’s one more tip. There’s power in numbers. There’s support in numbers. There’s fun in numbers. It’s the new ‘I have to go to a book club tonight honey’. A stitched gathering. Give it a try. I’d love to help get you started.
*the author has taken some liberties and might be exaggerating a bit. Possibly. A little.
rev-o-lu-tion: a fundamental way or change in thinking about or visualizing something.
I’ve been trying to write about what a revolution means to me for a week. I started with the definition above. It was a good start, but just didn’t seem to convey WHY joining a revolution, or the Stitched Revolution was important. Then, I heard a quote yesterday morning. At about 10:59. Rev. Diane Hooge, of the Memorial Baptist Church in Minneapolis. She ends with a quote every week. This one made me smile.
“Personal transformation can and does have global effects. As we go, so goes the world, for the world is us. The revolution that will save the world is ultimately a personal one.” Marianne Williamson
I turned to Sam and said, ‘that’s it!” That’s it! Revolution is personal. It’s like breathing. No one can do it for you. that means, you have a choice.
You can”.
Let the hard wired from birth, behavior to focus on ourselves, as if we were the center of the universe be the pilot every day. Steering you through life mindlessly, from alarm clock, to swiping your badge at the office, to ordering your double extra shot something too complicated coffee drink”.to falling asleep in bed to the evening news.
OR
You could make the choice to do something different. To think differently, not about yourself, but about the difference someone else made on your life. Take a moment, to remember that every moment counts. Take up the proverbial pitch fork, or whatever assumption you haved about revolutions and join the revolution to do something different. Turn the spot light on someone other than you.
Waiting for the perfect opportunity to make a difference in the world? Time’s up! Do it today: Join the revolution.
the world is waiting for you.
Here’s your checklist:
1. Find a piece of paper.
2. Pick up a pen, and
3. write a letter to someone that made a difference in your life”.
4. Tell them why they made a difference
5. Thank them
6. Mail the letter
P.S. send me a note(missy@50letters.com) and let me know you wrote a letter this week, and you get a 2fer. I’ll make a $5 donation for every person that writes a letter this week to Every Village Computer Organization (http://evcoafrica.org/welcome/)
Yesterday, I got a letter in mail. I opened it, and started reading it. It was one of THOSE letters. A letter I have been writing to other folks. This one was to me. I closed it, put it back in the envelope, and set it aside. I went about my life. I had dinner to cook, dishes to put away, luggage to unpack, laundry to do, kids to get ready for school tomorrow, plants to water”.you know,
little “l” life
It started again today. Alarm, shower, get kids dressed, breakfast for kids, dishes, get dressed, and pack up lunches, everyone out the door, kids dropped off. Whew! NOW, I can get to the important ,stuff. Then I got a cup of coffee and started my email, 5 days of really important e-mail. Got to check twitter, facebook”.still life with a little “l”. Got to get my little “l” life in order!
Then, I saw someone from Best Buy at the coffee shop I call my office. A familiar smile. Not just a familiar smile, it was Bill. We did the normal little “l” catch up stuff”then, we started talking about the
big “L” LIFE
and the moments that matter. It was just like the night before”it’s so easy to get caught up in the little “l”. AND if you can get through the mush, the reward is surprising. It’s a moment that is suspended in time. Not like one of the 70,000 reoccurring thoughts we have every day, a real connection. Bridging the 12 inches between your head and your heart.
I’m not sure how long we talked; it seemed like forever and really quick all at the same time. What I do know is that it was enough, to remind me to be the big “L”"I stopped doing all the mind numbing stuff, and wrote a letter. #51.
I remembered
-Again, that thanking people, taking the focus off of me, sending a gift with no expectations, was one of the biggest lessons I got from starting this journey.
-That most big “L” lessons aren’t something you learn once, check off the list and move on. Big “L” lessons take practice”trying over and over..Until they become like breathing.
-And just when you think you ‘got it!’”you get to learn it again.
I also started to
UNLEARN
what I thought community meant. I thought it meant living in the same context, day after day, after day. Places”work, church, neighborhoods, countries”today, I’m starting to think it means something different. This might be a definition”.
Com-mu-ni-ty
When something bonds you for a moment. And just for that moment, we are more like the side of a magnet that is attracted vs. the side that pushes each other away.
I can’t be alone in my continuous searching for purpose, meaning”what really matters. I can’t be alone because every time I end up in the big “L” world, I find COMMUNITY. It happened again today. With Bill, when just for a period of time, we were both nodding our heads, not because we were ‘right’ or ‘had the answer’, but maybe, because we were both just present. I sure do miss seeing Bill at work, and, I got to remember today, that we are still a part of a community.
I wonder what would happen; if we could see all these moments, every day, as community”there might be a little less “them” or “they” and a little more “us” and “we”.
Choose the big “L” LIFE today”just for a moment!~
p.s. I did read my letter..And it came at the perfect time”.in my big “L” Life!
Today is Brad Andersen’s last day as CEO of Best Buy. While I can’t say Brad is my BFFE, I can say I know him. Brad took over as CEO, after the founder, Dick Schultz, retired, 7 years ago. Just a few months before I joined Best Buy. So, I kinda feel like we were from the same family. Maybe even distant corporate cousins.
Brad was letter 44. Which really has no meaning at all for you competitive folks out there. It was just a couple of moments in time, that made a difference for me. The actual details don’t matter as much as the fact that both of those moments for me, renewed my faith in people leading companies. That leaders can be business leaders AND human AND have a heart. It also aligned with my own personal belief that when you take care of people, profitability follows. Brad is one of those leaders that demonstrates that with behavior.
I am a better leader, because of him.
The company is a better company, because of him.
The world is a better place, with Brad in it.
Brad made a difference at Best Buy. I would be foolish to think or believe, that HE was the reason that anything good that happened at Best Buy was because of him. That is was caused by him. I would be foolish to believe that a single, simple solution can solve all the complex problems of a business. He was a part of the system, not the system.
Change_for_Iran made a difference for the world. I, along with 29,850 people followed an Iranian Student on Twitter, getting moment by moment updates on what was happening. June 20 at 7:55pm was his last tweet. It just stopped. nothing. poof. I imagine the government finally jammed all the connections.
While it’s a stretch to compare Brad to this courageous young man, in some ways they are the same. They both choose to do something different, no matter what other people said. In moments. Probably not in every moment. (They aren’t super hero’s, they are human!) in doing so, their actions & choices, made a difference in people’s lives. how did they do it?
Maybe both of these people knew what to ignore….
“the art of knowing, is knowing what to ignore”~Rumi
Maybe, they knew to ignore the drowning chorus of you can’t, it won’t, and we never, and instead bridged the longest 12 inches in the world between the head and the heart, and just lead with their heart. In doing so, amplified lots of other voices. It will have a cost for both of them I imagine. and, it’s too late. the world changed.
in the end, the power of one, takes a village
Beginning tonight, at 7:55, light a candle. And send light & love to Iran. (And Brad. And Brian. And anyone else in transition.) Because it takes a village.
There are a lot of Michael’s in the world, and we lost one yesterday that made a difference in the way we dance, the way we view music (the Thriller video still gives me the creeps!), and the way we use music (We are the World charity single raised over $63M).
That Michael Jackson, he had talent, and took a bunch of risks to share it with the world. I hope that he is remembered for that. He was an icon. And, he was a son, a brother, a father.
I wonder if he really knew what a difference he made?
I wonder how many people, close to him, or not, took the time to write him? And tell him what he did to make a difference and why it made a difference. I wonder.
It’s odd. Earlier in the day yesterday, I was thinking of my brother Michael. I tweeted”.”listening to Stevie Wonder…reminds me of my brother. Learned a lot about music from him.” Growing up, I remember how kind my brother was. not usually the words I would equate with a brother!
He is 8 years older than me, and I always felt like he looked out for me. and, he made me laugh. A lot. When he say’s something funny, he gets this little smirk and a quick sparkle in his eyes. It’s so fast that if you blink, you’ll miss it. He played in a band bass in a band in High School. I remember seeing him play once. They sang the Chicago tune “when I was walking in the streets one day”a man came up to me and asked me what the time was that was on my watch..and I saidddddddddd” I don’t really know if those are the words, but that tune pops in my head once in a while and I can see my brother on stage”long haired hippie! (it was the 70′s!)
My Michael got the 3rd letter I wrote.
I wonder, is there a Michael, or Mike in your life that made a difference? How about we mark Michael Jackson’s sudden & surprise departure and
take 30 mins and write a Mike in your life
Life is short and all we really have is now
Thank you MJ & MD.……For bringing music into my life.
Not so good in math. Oh, I can wrangle my way around an online banking account, but it ends there. But, I like + and = signs. So, in honor of my Uncle Dick, a retired HS calculus teacher, here’s some stitched math today.
Leap of Faith
It has a lot of meaning. it’s not a cerebral concept. It implies action. hence the word”.Leap.
I’ve been a single mom for 4 days, which means I have spent a LOT of time with a 3 year old & a 6 year old.. Here’s what I noticed, again.
-Kids leap. And, they are naturally curious
-Me, with 2 words in my vocabulary. NO & DON’T. you might think I had a MIS (master’s in Idea Squashing)
At this point, you might be ready to stop reading, thinking this is another rant from a parent about how smart their kids are, and the confessional guilt of a parent for being so horrible. Nope. Keep reading.
It’s a reminder. A post it note in life. Or in stronger words, Zen with a baseball bat!
You already know how to leap.
It might just be a few layers below the surface. Tucked away in your brain, under all the no’s & don’t's. Buried under the I wishes, I should have’s. Peeking around the maybe’s.
Gratitude
I had coffee this morning, a food group I am very grateful for. I noticed the women I was meeting with had a journal on the table in front of her. It reminded me of the exposure Gratitude journals got a few years back. Oprah did a show on it and BANG, it took off. I bet there are journals in the bed stands, bookshelves and drawers all over the world. I believe it was and still is a great concept. I strongly, no, really strongly believe that when you put stuff out to the universe, stuff happens. (in fact, on June 24, I asked folks to light a candle at 7:55″read post below, and the next day, he posted this comment. I‘m only posting this to say I’m still alive & not in Tehran, I had a bad incident with Basij and couldn’t use computer“you can decide for yourself..) Putting good energy out into the world, I believe is a good thing.
Action
This is the part of the math equation that could be a multiplier. Telling people in your life, you are grateful, or they have made a difference, gives them an opportunity to do that stuff again, for someone else. It reinforces the good stuff. In my good moments as a parent, it’s what I do with my kids. Reinforce the stuff I want them to do more. It’s the stuff good leaders do at work. Reinforce the good stuff you want them to do. Here’s the kicker. It’s still a cerebral exercise, until it’s put it in motion.
Ok, here’s the part where you take a LEAP.
1. Take out those journals.
2. Pick someone you were grateful for
3. Write them a letter, and let them know, WHAT they did that you are grateful for and WHY you are grateful
4. Send it
You may never know the impact, but the universe will.
I realized I broke my own rule the other day. I have been waiting, for the right words before I wrote a letter. it’s been driving me nuts. The sentences just didn’t seem to flow the way I want them to, I didn’t know if it would really get the point across what a difference this person has made in my life. There were less words than some of my other letters, as if the number of words, is some sort of measure of the difference made.
Finally, I realized what I was doing, and just wrote the damn letter.
I got out of my own way
When I read the letter again, I realized, it was perfect, just the way it was. That was Friday.
On Saturday, I spend a few hours with about 25 people, most of who I didn’t know. This group of folks has been getting together for years, and July 4th is one of those occasions. They were also celebrating 2 milestone birthdays. (you figure out which one!) A couple of them thought it would be a great gift to their friends and the world if they all took a few minutes and wrote a letter. Everyone grabbed a pen, and gave it a shot. towards the end, spontaneously, one of women took the opportunity to say how much the group meant to her, then another spoke, then another”.you get the picture. It was fun to witness, how much love and respect there was in that moment. My guess is, it isn’t always that way, but in that moment, it was perfect.
One of the women had been a part of the very first Stitched gathering, and written a letter. She told me her story, about a letter arriving at a perfect time, (watch for her story coming soon!) and it made me smile.
I think getting messages is like buying a new car. Suddenly, all you SEE is that same car on the road. Ok, Ok, OKKKKKAY! UNCLE! I got the message! After getting it, multiple times in the few days, I got the message,
perfection is now
Letter #54 is in the mail, today. Imperfectly perfect.
So, if you are being Judgey Judgerton, giving yourself a good mental beating for not writing a letter, remember perfection is now. Give it a shot.
Write a letter
I imagine it will arrive at the ‘perfect’ time.
p.s. do you have a story about the letter you wrote or received? I want to hear it! {encode=”melissadurant@msn.com” title=”melissadurant@msn.com”}
There are many reasons I started writing 50 letters in 50 days. There are as many reasons why I call it a revolution. You can read about those below. And, one of the reasons was a teacher.
Last night, I was asked a question, in the context of relationships.
“Do we really know what we are to other people,”
I love questions that make me think. This one did just that.
Then, I woke up this morning, and had an email from the Carlene Miller Memorial. It was addressed to students, friends, and colleagues.
“Do we really know what we are to other people,”
As students, we knew her as Ms. Miller. As co-workers she was known as Carlene. The literary world knew her as Carlene Miller, mystery writer. (that makes me LOL, since she became indignet when we read ‘smut’). She was a daughter, an aunt, a partner, a friend. Ms. Miller was like a pebble thrown in a lake that at some point touches the edges. I knew she made a difference with students. I had no idea, the real difference she made, until I got the email this morning.
The engraved words chosen for the bench were gleaned from various letters from students carefully saved by Carlene through the years and tributes written at her death. The left leg of the bench will have a rendering of the novel, “To Kill A Mockingbird”, the right leg will depict stacks of books and note cards with a term paper. The seat of the bench will bear her name, relevant dates, and the words “Enhanced Lives Through Literature and Writing”. The front of the bench will state: “Believed in Folks, Even Those Whom Others Found Dismissible”. The back of the bench will state: “Inspired Curiosity, Confidence, Tolerance, Respect”. The left end of the bench states: “Challenging, Noble, Cogent”. The right end of the bench states: “Students Found Identity”.
These words, will be engraved on a bench, outside the library, surrounded by trees. These words, written by students, friends, and colleagues, are a reminder to me, that what we do with our live, how we treat people, our actions, when lined up with the universe, create a ripple effect on relationships, that is
Infinite
This teacher, as I knew her, made a difference in the lives of the people she knew. Her students, her colleagues, her friends.
Thank you Laura, Sara Ann, George, Dale, Karen, for your courage, persistence and passion to keep her spirit alive with the Carlene Miller Memorial.*
The question is
“Do we really know what we are to other people,”
Why not write a teacher today and let them know. Besides, it’s
National Write a Teacher Thursday! (or NWTT for all you abbreviation gonks)
(ok, I made that up..sounds like a good idea, huh!)
*if you are a Titusville High Alum, and interested in donating to pay for the memorial, {encode=”melissadurant@msn.com” title=”email me.”}
Perfect Purchase, the retailer, is where I learned about revolutions. No one called them that, but looking back, that’s what was happening. My brother in another life, Deep, taught me that. (Deep is an Indian name meaning that which illuminates) One of the things I really like about Deep, is he teaches through action. I’m not sure how many people would say that, but he does.
Deep knew the importance of getting voices of the Store Managers heard in Pleasantville. That’s what I call the corporate campus of Perfect Purchase, Pleasantville. Lots of well intended, smart, successful and failed programs come from the brain trust within the walls of that building. Deep saw that, and knew that if Perfect Purchase wanted to delay the somewhat inevitable march to the retail graveyard, Pleasantville had to hear other
Voices
Oh, not the voices that can nag us with endless, meaningless tasks like making grocery lists in meetings.
Voices of Them
He started something called the Store Manager Dialogue (soon after known as SMD). He didn’t ask any one, or form a committee. He just did it, and brought Them to Pleasantville. Now, the people in Pleasantville weren’t used to Them coming in. You could talk about Them; do things to help Them, but talk to Them? Preposterous! Pleasantville was pleasant, for a bit, then, it started. Like a splinter in your finger, the body sent out the troops of disease fighting blood cells to restore order to Pleasantville. Oh, they were hard to recognize, because they looked like the them. Lovers of the story. Lovers of the company. The restorers secretly knowing, knowingly, that they were right and them were, well, just uninformed. So troops of Pleasantville, the restorers did their very best to change the minds of Them, with data and information. Death by PowerPoint. Lull them to sleep with information. But the thing the Pleasantville restorers missed was once a voice is heard; it can’t be put back in. Oh, it might get quiet, but it will continue to resurface, until it is heard again. Because
Them were driven by passion and belief.
The very ingredients that a revolution thrives on. It’s like oxygen for a fire. The well intended restorers at the corporate office in Pleasantville couldn’t defend themselves with PowerPoint against passion and belief. And so, a revolution was born.
Revolution: the fundamental change in the way of thinking about or visualizing something. A change in paradigm.
That’s what Deep did, or should I say that’s what he started. Well, he wouldn’t say that’s what he did. He’d say something like I gave them a forum to be heard. Whatever. Like his name, he illuminated, shined a light on a group of Them whose voices could be heard. He got the ball rolling, and Pleasantville was never to be the same again.
I learned about revolutions from Deep. I learned about the voice. How to find and give people voice. And how to use your power for good, not evil. He’s a really smart guy, and people that are around him won’t realize it for years. He starts stuff, and the people that start stuff, are like the hottest part of a flame”you need it, but rarely, does it get credit when the candle is shining its brightest.
Do you have a Deep in your life? Do they know they made a difference?
The names have been changed, but I bet you already figured that out!
The following is a guest blog post from Kara Morley & her experience from writing a letter. Thanks Kara~
The toughest part is deciding who to write that first letter to…
At least in my opinion. I’d accepted Missy’s invite to her first ever Stitched gathering weeks before, but yet on that beautiful Monday night in May when I drove into the Lake Harriet parking lot I was still unsure about who would be the recipient of that first letter. As Missy shared her experience with writing letters, a face kept entering my mind: my former boss from Michaels Arts & Crafts – Mike G.
Mike is one of my favorite people in the WORLD! I was the HR Manager for the division of which he was President. I loved working for him so much that it took me two tries to leave Michaels and move back to the Midwest before I was actually able to do it. But more than just working for him, I love KNOWING him. He’s the man who helped me get my feet firmly planted in HR. He’s the man who became a surrogate father for me in Texas when my own dad was 1500 miles away in Indiana. He was the first to drive a new car when I bought it, the first to see my new condo. He was the man who counted on me to be his confidante and sounding board. He’s the man who promised to dance at my wedding when that time would someday come… and when Mike and his wife, Harla traveled from Texas to Minnesota in August 2006 to make good on that promise, he’s the man to whom I gave a place of honor at the reception – sitting with my family.
Mike’s been a friend for almost 10 years now… and it dawned on me
I had never really told him how much he means to me and the impact he made on my life.
Once I started writing, I found it hard to stop. I started to remember how much he gave to me, how much he meant to me and most of all – how much I wanted him to know. It’s been over 5 years since we last worked together… but the things he taught me are things I strive to do every day. He’s just that much of a class act.
I knew Mike had moved since the last time I spoke with him, so I dialed his cell phone (by memory, it’s engrained in my mind!) and was so happy to hear him answer, “Hi Kara, how are you?” We chatted for several minutes and then I told him I had something I wanted to send to him. He gave me his address, but never asked what it was. That’s just Mike – patient, letting me do things the way I wanted to do them. I put the letter in the mail that day.
Three days later, on a Friday, Mike called and left a voice mail at the office… and on my cell… and at home, simply saying on each message that he’d received my letter and would like to talk to me. When I called him back, I could tell in his voice how much the letter meant to him.
Mike placed my letter in one of his most prized books from his library. His hope is that someday his grandkids will find that letter and know a little more about what their granddad was all about.
So the giving continues on:
~First I gave Mike the gift of knowing how much he means to me…
~Then he gave the gift back to me of reconnecting and sharing…
~and even more, he extended the gift out for years to come when his grandkids may someday find a treasure that reminds them of someone they love.
And it all started with just 1 letter.How cool is that?
The following is an experience Julie P. had when she wrote a letter. Thanks Julie for telling others this powerful story, and how taking 30mins. To write a letter, can make a difference.
Hearing about Missy’s experience inspired me.
I knew immediately I wanted to reach out to someone I had thought about for years”..
Beep, my best friend from college.
We had drifted apart and had not touched base in years.
I wrote with no expectations
I did not hesitate to say things I had wanted to say”.not why I had not kept in touch but the things I appreciated about her and missed about her and thank her for the things she had brought to my life.
She obtained my number from my Mom. She called to thank me for my letter and said she cried when she read it. We talked for an hour catching up with what was new in our lives. It warmed my heart to pick back up as if no time had passed at all.
Unfortunately, she said she had some bad news about another old friend from college.
The previous day our 45 year old friend died of a heart attack.
I attended the wake.
I thought I would stay for a few minutes and show my respects.
Many of our old friends attended. It turns out most of us had not seen each other since the old days.
Is it bad to say the wake was fun? We all stayed the entire time.
Getting to know Beep’s significant other was great. He recounted the day Beep and I spoke on the phone. He said she glowed the remainder of the day. So did I!
We all laughed for hours about old times
It didn’t matter what we had been doing since then because we were all together.
I loved these people and overwhelmingly still do.
Everyone I spoke to said “What were we thinking, not keeping in touch!
Nobody talked about why we hadn’t kept in touch, because it didn’t matter.
We promised to not let this much time pass again.” in fear of these same circumstances”.before it is too late.
I am certain Beep would not have called me about the passing of our friend,
Had I not written the letter…..
do you have a story you want to share?email me! {encode=”melissadurant@msn.com” title=”melissadurant@msn.com”}
It turns out that unexplained positivity lasts longer than positivity we analyze until we fully understand it. Barbara Fredrickson It’s funny that the author of the book on Positivity said this. Ironic, but she’s a scientist. And that’s what she does is analyze stuff.
She has done research for years, 20 years, on the impact of positive emotions. And has researched the
10 emotions that juice you up
Joy, gratitude, serenity, interest, hope, pride, amusement, inspiration, awe, and love
If you are feeling like polly anna is staring you in the face or hearing the song, don’t worry, be happy, think again.(and good luck getting that song out of your head!)
This ain’t your grandmama’s rose colored glasses look on life.
It’s got a dose of negative thrown in. Barbara (as if I know her) has done the research, and finds that the tipping point for positive emotions to make a significant difference on your life is 3:1.
That’s the good news. Great news for those of us that might tilt that way in life. Go get the book if you want more dissection of positivity. (even though, if we overanalyze it, it wilts like lettuce on a sidewalk in July)
Here’s the other news, from the cheap seats. I see more people getting the formula right, but reverse. 3 times more negative to positive. Negative stuff is a heavy drag. If I’m not paying attention, I can step right into that dark hole, and find myself running around with the Cheshire rabbit. I found that out the hard way. I wrote a negative letter. and it was just about the grossiest thing in the whole world. Ok, that’s dramatic, but it was gross. I felt gross, and it took being on purpose to pull my negative draped attitude out of the rabbit hole.
And, I learned something. I learned what negative emotions can do to me. I learned that focusing only on the negative, got me nowhere. So, I guess, in the end, Barbara was right”negative emotions are something we need, just not all the time. when ordering up emotions, go ahead and order the combo meal…
Don’t believe me?
Test it yourself
Write a letter to someone who has made a difference in your life. Not just thank you, but tell them WHAT they did, and WHY it made a difference. when you are done”.take few minutes and write down as many words as you can to describe how you feel”.
Then, write a negative letter. To someone that has made a difference, but in a negative way. Tell them WHAT they did and WHY they made a difference. Then, take a few minutes and write down as many words as you can to describe how you feel”.
Bet you know what will happen.
You can experience the power of both
Positive & Negative emotions. And you can choose which end of the ratio you want to be on”
Join us for an evening of laughter, Letter, food & wine”Stitched Gathering
The following is a guest blog appearence from an amazing women, Kat Casey, one of the folks that supported me from the beginning, and helped create, the Stitched website. I believe everthing happens for a reason. In my first conversation with Kat, she told me about her letter writing with her Dad. I knew then, that when she nodded her head in agreement, it was because she experienced the power of words on a page. Thanks Kat, for sharing this story and letter.
I grew up a Daddy’s girl, although my parents quickly both became best friends in life even though they divorced when I was young. In high school Mom moved us away from New Jersey and my Dad, and that came with an onslaught of challenges of which I lived right in the middle. On the rare occasion that I could sift through the angers and re-adjust my own life around it all, my father and I started to become pen pals.
We wrote each other at least once a week and this went on for the duration of his life, up until his passing almost five years ago. So, inspired by Missy’s movement, I thought it only appropriate that my very first letter was written to my Dad. Even though it would never get read or delivered, I wrote it and put it in the box of letters that I wrote him that he saved for nearly 20 years, and of which I inherited when he passed away. There’s a much longer story there, but writing to him was one of the most therapeutic things I’ve done for myself in dealing with him no longer being in my life. I even hand wrote the letter with black ink on yellow legal paper, just like he used to write to me.
Dearest Dad
I miss writing you and I miss your support in my life, so I just wanted to share with you some of where I am in life since you’ve left. Since November 2004 a lot of amazing life has happened for me, that I so wish you were here to appreciate with me.
I went to a Super Bowl that I actually helped throw in my own city. You were supposed to be sitting next to me, but I know you were there in spirit because your Eagles played and it was an amazing experience and accomplishment. I don’t know that I ever thanked you for all of your support over those couple years, and sorry that my ultimate thank you to you was going to be taking you to that game.
I found my best friend in life. Again, I have to thank you for helping me find her, because we got to know one another over the surprise of her asking me, “so tell me about your Dad”" It was the first time anyone ever asked me that, or just how I was doing, since you passed and after hours of throwing up feelings and stories, she shared that she lost her Mom. It was a bond that quickly developed into an invaluable friendship, and I’ll forever think you helped guide me to that introduction. I only wish you had the opportunity to meet her, she’s truly amazing, and I know you would be fast friends.
I started my own company. I partnered with a genius, who had the same desire to start an agency as I did, and in our first year we’ve been surprisingly successful”which I can almost hear you telling me to be careful in a recession. But I took the risk, have an amazing business partner, we’re growing a good business and culture, helping others grow their businesses, and it’s quickly turning into my life’s work.
Your other daughters have grown into incredible people, you would be so proud of them Dad. Sarah is about to graduate nursing school, which she put herself through with some support from Mom and Mark, and has found her calling in life. She’s still one of the kindest people on the planet and I know she misses you in her own way. Bridget is facing some life challenges right now, but doing a great job of conquering them. She is finding great successes in her work and is really growing into herself, which I love seeing for her. They are among my closest friends and the reason, along with Mom, that I stayed in Jacksonville after you died, which has been an unexpected blessing in disguise.
Mom and I have grown very close over the past few years, she’s one of my best friends and in her own way tries hard to help me fill that void of you being gone. After you died she quit smoking, and has not picked up a cigarette since. I’m so proud of her for that. She’s becoming quite the athlete, and her and I make a point to have dinner or hang out on the weekly. I know she misses you in her own way too, and thanks you all the time for ‘her girls.’
I retired from soccer this year. It was an unbelievable chapter in my life and as you know I played as competitively as I could, but was time to hang up the cleats. Lots of life right now and I’m really invested in my work, so there had to be some sacrifice and it wasn’t about to be the great people in my life. I know you always wanted me to play hoops, but I know you quickly fell in love with soccer and appreciate your support. I donated most all of your clothes to the vets when you passed, too hard to hang onto, but the few things I kept were your Marine uniforms, your Villanova gear and my soccer tees you collected over the years.
I’ve rekindled somewhat of a relationship with your Dad and Vickie. We don’t speak much, but one of the more meaningful things that happened to me this year was a “congrats” card that they sent me when I launched the company. Seeing as there were years, almost decades of separation there, it really meant a lot. I know he misses you and had a really hard time with your passing, and in his own way, was incredibly supportive to me with your funeral plans, etc. I would not have gotten through it without him.
Although I could go on forever because a lot has happened in the past few years, I did want you to know that I fell in love. You would absolutely love him, and as Neenee said “he reminds me a lot of Ed.” He has been a fun addition to life, and although I have no idea where we end up, he’s great and I enjoy him the best I know how for now. He’s even helped me learn a lot about myself. You were worried that I would never get here after I lost my first love, but here I am and just wanted you to know.
I still read the letters you wrote to me sometimes just for a spiritual hug and to remind myself how precious life is and how you’ve made me appreciate my own even more in the past few years.
I hope you know that you are still a huge part of my life even though we don’t talk everyday like we did for so many years. I always hope you would be proud of me and the people I surround myself with, and I keep you close everyday.
I promise to come visit you soon
Love,
Katrin
Warm. Loved. Energized. Inspired. Encouraged. Loved. Thankful. Grateful. Overwhelmed. Convicted. Blessed.
These are some of the words people used to describe how they felt at the Stitched Gathering last night. I would add
Positive Energy
Ok, that’s 2 words.
There was just a ton of positive energy there last night. Now, before you stop reading, hang with me. I think there is just something that happens, when people come together, with good positive intent. Under this intent was a healthy dose of trust. And maybe a little curiosity
On the surface, where I think we spend a lot of our time, it just looked like a fun evening, good food, a little wine, lots of smiles and laughing. But, if you look just a little bit closer, there was something else.
There were about 40 people there. For 2ish hours. That’s a total of 80 people hours of ‘work’. That’s 2 weeks of positive energy we just put out into the world! My finance friends would take that any day of the week! Now, you might be saying, so what. That’s a bunch of new age, blah, blah, blah”is it? (That’s a real question, not a smarty rhetorical one!)
Have you ever seen this commercial? The one where 1 person does something nice, and then that person does something nice…watch it if you haven’t seen it. Not sure what it did for Liberty Mutual Insurance, but it was a great commercial. What resonates with us, when we watch it?
I think it’s the moment when, someone makes a difference. And, then something organic happens. It keeps multiplying”over time. Positive energy isn’t something you can “scale”, to steal a word from my past life. But I think it is something that can spread. Hype, you can scale”the only problem…it dies quickly.
So is it really a stretch
to think that the 40 people who went home last night, filled with a dose of positive energy, did something nice for someone else? Did they let someone merge on the freeway? Did they smile at a clerk, a real smile, not the ‘I gotta get my stuff and get out of here so hurry up and ring me up!” smile.
Is it a stretch, that the 20 or so people, who sent a letter today, to someone who made a difference in their life, still have a little bounce in their step? And what about the person who receives the letter, days or weeks from now. Is it a stretch that for that moment, the positive energy just kept going”?
Colin Hall, who lives in South Africa, has an interesting view on human energy. I spoke with him about a year ago. His wisdom comes from living in a country, changed by Nelson Mandela, and Colin’s own person journey of change as a leader. He said
Human energy is quantum and renewal
That often we get energy & hype mixed up. There’s a lot of wisdom in that statement”
It’s easy for me to get caught up in the stuff I can see, touch & measure. Last night, was a reminder, for me, that while the stuff you can see, touch & measure is important, there’s the other stuff too. The stuff that is captured in the commercial, that isn’t really measurable, and makes a quantum difference.
Last night, at least 40 people made a quantum difference in the world.
My word is
Grateful
My friend Jenny started asking me 6 weeks ago to if I wanted to volunteer for Camp Erin. It’ a grief camp for kids. I smiled and said, I don’t think so. I had all kinds of reasons why I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t qualified. I’m not a social worker. Sure, I had facilitated groups, but it was in the corporate world. And mostly, because, I don’t know what it’s like to lose a parent or a sibling. My family is still alive.
It turns out; those were all about my own fear. I bet you already knew that as you were reading this. It’s a lot easier to see stuff when you sit outside of the forest. That’s why it’s such a gift to write someone a letter, and tell them what you see. I had to get comfortable saying the word dead & death. Those are pretty absolute words. And a reminder, that it’s what we all have in common. We are going to check out of this hotel some day.
Jenny’s kind of persistent. So, she kept nudging me. I’m glad she did. Here’s what I learned:
Volunteering is a privilege
I haven’t volunteered in about 8 years. Oh, I’ve painted a house, or cleaned a lawn with my co-workers for a few hours. I hadn’t jumped in, completely invested in something, in 8 years. I got a bit busy with young kids, and work. Since I have had more time to decompress than most, I entered the weekend with a whole bucket full of energy. I can only imagine what it would have been like, to jump out of work on Thursday, into a camp of Friday, race home Sunday, to jump back into a work world on Monday. There were a bunch of folks who did just that. It’s got to be tough. And, volunteering is a privilege. What do I mean? It’s not about us, the volunteer. It’s about the mission of what we are volunteering for. So, before you volunteer for something, ask yourself a couple questions. “Do I get energy from doing this Or does it exhaust me? If it will deplete you”don’t do it! Wait until your bucket’s fuller.
Grief isn’t logical or linear
In the corporate world, we used the grief cycle as a change management tool. SARAH (sadness, anger, resentment, acceptance, hope) and even though we said, ‘it’s not linear’, I think we expected adults to giddy up and move along and get past it, whatever the it was. We were surprised, when someone, who was in acceptance, got pissed again. How dare them! When Jenny described the grief cycle in a figure 8 to me, with the positive emotions on the top of the cycle, and negative ones on the bottom, I remember smiling. Because that is what I experienced, a cycle, not a line. She also told me that most kids hang out in the top of the cycle, and pop down to the bottom, and pop back up to the top. And you probably guessed by now, it’s the reverse for adults. Think about a time when you have felt really bad, and found yourself having a good time, only to feel guilty for having a good time, and sliding back to the bottom! Grief isn’t logical or linear, and it is a cycle.
Not understanding something is a head thing
Saturday night, the kids had a chance to send a floating star, with a candle out onto the lake in memory of their loved one that died. We sat on the beach, at sunset for an hour doing this 1 at a time. I was in awe that these kids, ages 5-17, sat quietly, respecting each other. After the ceremony, the kids headed back up to a party we had planned. I stayed with young girl, who was crying for a while. I was searching for the right words, something profound that might help”when I finally just said I don’t understand it either. I could logically explain it, but I think it was more about a heart, than the head. What a gift she gave me”.
It’s possible to have 2 emotions, at the same time. Happy & Sad
After the candle activity on the beach, we had a party. Ice cream sundaes, twister, Wii, crafts, popcorn, staying up late. The kids had a blast. The adults did too. When I first saw the agenda, and we went right from this heartfelt exercise to a party, I wondered if it would work, or be appropriate. I got my answer that night. I saw a bunch of kids, who had something in common, death of someone they loved, smiling and laughing together. They didn’t hang out in 1 emotion, they could do both. What a lesson. It was a breath of fresh air. I remember thinking that if we had done that with adults, we’d still be on the beach crying. I know, adults have stuff, are more complex, etc, etc, etc”.and, we could learn a lesson or two from this experience”it’s not about the event, it’s how we react to the event, in the moment.
Courage is relative
One of the campers wanted to go home Saturday night. Homesick. With a little coaching from my friend Jenny, I sat with him, and we just talked. About Star Wars, about why Sprite has bubbles. What an epi-pen was, and what it was used for, what’s a carbohydrate, fat, protein. Totally random stuff. We talked about stuff other than the fact that he wanted to go home. We struck a deal, that he’s stay through the next activity, a scavenger hunt, then, if he wanted to go home, he could find me and I would call his mom. He did find me, later that night, and said thanks, I’m glad I stayed. Then he said,” Can I give you a hug?” There’s courage there. He just stood in his fear, with a little support, and got a little stronger. I will never forget his smile that night. He was smiling with his eyes, and was happier than I had seen him all weekend. He took a step, and he was proud of himself, and so was I.
Now for my soap box
Instead of saying “this is our future generation of leaders” when we talk about kids, What if we suspend the notion that you must be 18 years old, an adult, to be a leader
I saw a lot of kids leading this weekend. Whether it was someone who spoke up in a small group setting, about how they felt, or started a cheer when one of their friends was on the climbing wall, or leading an impromptu camp song. Each time, they stepped a little ahead of their peers, and said come on. They all took turns. And they never talked about it, expected a title, or then had to lead the rest of the time. Kids are leaders now, not in the future, and I think it’s arrogant to think otherwise.
There were about 60 kids at this camp. If I close my eyes, I can still see their faces. And, I was fortunate to spend the weekend learning from them. They were also a reminder, that today is all we have.
So, here’s a short list, of people that have made a difference.Naomi, chuck, pat, mike, Michelle, Kathy, Sam, ellie, Samantha, carol, Sharon, dick, Sam, Jordan, steph, Kevin, Charlene, Laura, Anita, renee,john, shelly,lisa, marce, kris, mark, dave, Stacey, randy, joe, Jennifer, sara, mo, emma, sarah, dick,wendy, Charlie, david, mary, zeke, Melissa, tam,willow,Jamie,Katie, amy, tracey, mir, Elizabeth, maria, marie, joey, angela,ann,john,bill, grace,cathy, doug,brad,Jeanne,Marilee, nyla, lisa, mardi, raan,Christopher, shari, brian,tina,kristy, Krista, kal, Jason,matt,Jeannie,Martha, al, jess, dan, carter,josh, fred,maddie,syd, Emily, bettyann,dot, eric, sandy, Adrian, Adrienne, Alyssa, seth, Shelley,Kristina, Christine, Andee,tom, nancy, Julie, dawn, jim, susan, kat, joe, Jodi, Julie, gayle, joellyn, marty, john, kara, cat, mel, Kendra, lisa, kim,traci, lakeesha, lanier, marce, marguax, Nicole, pam, paul, Richard,tom, tim, mac, joe, val,jeff,troy, vibhuti, wade, aimee, alan,alice, debi, diane”"..When I first started to write 50 letters in 50 days, I was looking deep, deep, deep inside, to try to answer the question, what matters. And the letters I wrote, ended up helping me remember. And, like anything I do with repetition, I learn & get a little better.Writing 50 letters, (I think I am on 58 or 59 now”) helped me define what ‘difference’ means. This list of people have all touched my life in one way or another. And all have made a difference. And if I add more value to one interaction more than another, I’ve made a judgment.
The difference between a flower & a weed”.is a judgment
If I stop long enough, I realize that each time I come into contact with someone, it makes a difference. And it changes the course of my life. Just like that. Poof.
Some moments linger on. Some moments, interactions seem to disappear, and some seem etched into my soul. And, all of them are a part of who I am today.
“If I didn’t know you, would I have lived my life the same way,”
I don’t think so.
This is a list of people, who have all made a difference. you can use my list, ’cause they are just names, or I bet, if you just pull out your phone, and start to scroll through your contacts, or for those less techno savvy, get out your address book, you will can make a list this long too.
Can it really be that easy?
Yep.
1. Make a list of all the people you know now & in the past
2. Stare at the list, and a name will appear
3. Write a letter to that person and tell them why they made a difference in your life.
Today
seems like a good day to write a letter.
Just
do
it.
Don’t put it off another day.
The world could use
it
Today, my Dad & Mom were going to be at the 50th anniversary of the Dixie Squares. It’s a square dance club that they started in Daytona Beach. I have really fond memories of spending Thursday nights, setting up the coffee pot & cash box with my mom, and helping my dad set up his equipment on stage. They aren’t there because my Mom slipped & broke her arm on Monday, and landed herself in a hospital, and hopefully will be leaving soon, with the ability to now set off the alarms in the airport! (rod & 4 screws in her arm!)
It’s the most helpless feeling, being in a different state, trying to help manage my Mom’s health. As I sat here today, I thought the least I could do, was do a virtual Thank You. Dad, it’s not from the stage, in front of all the square dancers, it’s bigger. This is the virtual stage. And it will live on a bunch longer.
Thank you Chuck Durant & Naomi Durant
for believing that EVERYONEdeserves the right to dance. You made a difference that keeps on giving”every Thursday night, at the Dixie Squares.
Below is the email, my Dad sent, about how this club got started:
The following is a short history of the origins of the Dixie Squares, compiled from minutes of meetings from the 1st 15 years.
On April 4,1959 a group of dancers met in order to form a new square dance club . 15 couples were charter members.
Chuck Durant was appointed “club caller”. Tess and Ernie Jackson were the 1st President, and Paul Edson was the 1st treasurer. ( Paul Edson is Naomi Durant’s father.] This group was not yet named
On April 18,1959 {next dance} They met at the Beach Rest, which was located just south of Daytona Pier, on South Ocean Ave. At this dance the group officially became the DIXIE SQUARES. Future dances were to be held at the Legion Hall in Ormond Beach.
By April 7, 1960 the club was dancing at Hixons Hall, on Mary St, where they celebrated their 1st Anniversary.
October 6, 1960, The Dixie Squares were dancing at City Island Recreation Hall. This hall was aquired after negotations between Chuck Durant and Daytona Recreation director Al Gargulo .
The Dixies, by 1960, had 34 couple members. Dance nite was moved from Tuesday to Thursday nite and remains to current time.(2009)
By Spring 1962 , the club grew to 44 couples . Martha Hixon designed and made the Dixie Squares club banner.
October 1962 the city raised the rent to $5 and Candy was sold, by the club members, to make up the increase in rent.
April 1965 The present Badge was designed by then Presidents Carl and Joyce Bornmann From the origin of the Dixie Squares Club, Round dancing was handled by Chuck Durant, and later by the Bornmanns, Pat Heric, the DeShanos and the Beatties.
By 1969 the club grew to 67 active couples.
August 1969, it was decided that 30 lessons would be required for membership, rather than the original 10 lessons.
July 1970 Honorary Membership was given to Al and Martha Hixon and George Hoyt. These three people were responsible for introducing Square Dancing to the Halifax Area.
Chuck Durant called regularly from April 1959 to April 1980, at which time John Barrett assumed the position.
The Dixie Squares club was formed because the only club in Daytona at the time was the Beachcombers, and was an invitation only club.
My wifes parents were not invited,and Naomi thought everyone should have a club to belong to, therefore it was her idea to form what was to become the Dixie Squares..
This is the way that it was,.
Sincerely and Honestly
Chuck Durant
There are so many days when I feel like I am in elementary school again. Mostly because I feel like I am learning, or probably, re-learning stuff that just seems so simple.
Like support
At some point, I learned that asking for support was something that other people did. GIVING support was ok, in fact, pretty important. But, asking for it? nahhhhhh. it’s like buying coffee called “Mississippi caramel chocolate delight”. It’s just plain wrong.
I have no idea, when or where I learned this
I can do it, I can do it, I can do it”
and I am more than happy to help you if you ask thing. I’m working on changing it though.
The 1st time I realized I could accept support from someone, it was in a workshop. You know, one of those spend a lot of time with 35 people all weekend long and learn more than you ever thought about yourself and others. yes, one of those workshops.
It was late one evening, and the facilitator instructed us to stand in a circle, with our arms horizontal to the ground, finger tips touching, and no talking. Oh, she said one other thing. Everyone makes it. Now, I knew, I could stand for hours with my arms up, being the self professed wanta be athlete. (and having just challenged Candace Gingrich, yes Newt’s sister, to see who could do more 1 armed push ups) I was all good with this exercise. Easy. Then, this guy stood next to me. the ‘weakest’ guy in the room. (I know this was a BIG judgement on my part. BIG…and turns out, wrong)
I thought crap
Now I have to do this for me AND this guy. Crap. So, every time I felt his arms going down, I would stare him down, and will his arms to raise, and they did. After a while, this got tiring”my arms started to drop, about the same time someone figured out that the instructions where no talking..and they started to sing a song we all knew.
And this guy,
the weakest guy
in the room, who had been desperately trying to find his voice, and had always wanted to sing, began to sing, and when he did, he looked at me, and
gave me support
when I needed it. I will never forget the look on his face, when he began to sing. It was like jumping out of the water after you have held your breath for as long as you can, then getting a big gulp of air. He just sang! it’s an experience that has stuck with me”and I remembered tonight.
I remembered that sometimes,
the only thing to do is say thank you
(or if you live in the south..thanks shuga) and accept the hand that is reaching out to support you.
Tonight, I remembered that, and it was like breathing again.
So, thank you Jenny & Mary, for singin when my arms were dropping, for sticking with me, meeting me where I am, and nudging me along on this support thing. You are great friends, teachers, & our Minneapolis family. You are a blessing”.
I’ve had this blog in my head for 2 weeks. I wake up at night thinking, I need to write this down. I find a spare moment, and think, I should grab my computer and write this down, AND, today, I finally just made time.
Well, I can’t actually make time. That would be one heck of a magic trick. And, I would be on Oprah, no, Ellen, no, I’d have my own show. I decided to take time back. Instead of me running after the time, I decided to at minimum, catch up.
I remembered the 1 thing we really have is time
NOW. NOW. NOW”.you get the picture.
So what happens. What happens to the time?
It gets away?No, fish get away when you hookem.
It flies by? No, airplanes fly, or, I fly by you because I am SUCH a fast runner”(no comments from the gallery)
Time ain’t the problem. We are. The human race
See, there’s the problem. We are human’s racing toward”what?
Here’s an example:
September has turned into a re-calibrate month. That’s the work jargon I’d use. Getting kids back in school, 6 family member birthday’s, unexpected stuff, from hospitals to visitors”and THE flu visited our house. Oh, and I’m doing some really fun work with Julie Gilbert. Where has the time gone? See, as if I didn’t have control”I’ve been a human racing! And I can tell you, I haven’t had anyone waiting at the end of the day with a medal to place around my neck like the nice people at the end of a road race!
That’s why I started thinking about time. it’s all we have. Really.
Time is a precious commodity
When you lose it. It’s gone. You lose a diamond, and it can be replaced. (well, you might have to save some money, & explain to the person who gave it to you why you threw it away in the garbage)
Time is precious.
And it is so damn easy to follow it along instead of being really on purpose
Since you choose to read this, I wanted to make sure you got something useful. Something that can make a difference, if you CHOOSE to do something with the time.
Mark Goulston, is the author of Just Listen: The secret to getting through to just about anyone. Mark talks about the power of thank you. Here are his 3 steps, inspired by Heidi Wall, the co-founder of the Flash Forward Institute in LA.
1. Thank the person for something specific that he or she did for you. (It can also be something the person refrained from doing that would have hurt you.)
2: Acknowledge the effort it took for the person to help you by saying something like: “I know you didn’t have to do _______” or “I know you went out of your way to do_______.”
3. Tell the person the difference that his or her act personally made to you.
I would add
4. Write it down. Hand it to them, or send it in the mail.
Mark writes, “If a person performs an extraordinary act of kindness or assistance and all you say is ‘thanks,’ you create a mirror neuron receptor gap because emotionally you’re not giving back as much as you received. Saying ‘thanks’ is better than nothing, but it’s not good enough”.
I wrote a letter today.
And it seems like I am back to now.
What are you going to do with your time today?
Just when I start to question”is this worth it? Is the idea of a revolution really that important? I mean, really, who do I think I am?
A revolution?
Then, I get a little nudge. Today, it came in an email.
This was a response from someone who received a letter.
“.It was a delight to hear from you. Thank you for your kind words. Your letter arrived the day after my mother died, which is the cause of my delay in answering you”.. Just let me say that your kind, thoughtful and well expressed letter arrived exactly when I needed a day brightener”"
Tamara sent one letter.
One
And look what happened”.
I was thinking about this response when I was running today. It reminded me of Nike’s slogan. Just do it.
It’s brilliant
(the slogan) It was brilliant before everyone with access to a computer started overusing the word brilliant.
Because the thing that separates a good idea from a brilliant idea is execution. Or, in Nike’s words.
Just do it.
That’s what Tamara did.
She wrote the letter.
She didn’t make a list of people that gathered dust in a drawer.
She wrote the letter.
She didn’t schedule a date in the future to do it.
She wrote the letter.
She gave a gift of the largest magnitude. Her time.
I have now witnessed this happen 100′s of times. When you give the gift of time, to write a letter, and mail it to someone, that has made a difference in your life it:
impacts the person writing it.
impacts the person reading it.
impacts all those around those 2 people.
That’s reallllly big math
What do ya say? Join the equation today?
Write ONE letter today
who’s there?
boo.
boo who?
Quit crying and just write the letter!!!Have you been thinking about writing a letter?If the answer is
yes
here’s one thing that might help.
Write a letter to a child. Child love books. An amazing women I meet a while back has a GREAT, yes GREAT site that can help you. Michelle Lebow
I had a chance to meet Michelle several months ago and she is really amazing. Even more amazing, is the book that she creates, using your letter to a child. I have to tell you I was blown away with the pictures in the book! It was, ok, I’m gonna say it again…AMAZING!
So, if today is the day, you want to move from thinking about writing a letter, to writing a letter…..here’s a nudge and a great way to do it!
knock, knock.
who’s there?
orange.
orange who?
orange ya glad I didn’t say amazing again!
Moments
We each have thousand’s a day.
Who knows why some of those moments, stick with us through our lives, guiding us like a compass.
I wonder what the world would be like,
If we knew which moments
made a difference in someone’s life.
Would we live our life differently?
These are the reflections of my friend Jim Langemo. His experience writing a letter to his 8th grade English teacher. His gratitude, and what he continues to learn about himself.
Thank you Jim. For sharing your story.
The moment I realized that I was going to start writing fifty letters, I knew to whom I would write first. It was going to be to my eighth grade English teacher, Paul Tandberg. He only taught for one year before moving to Northern Minnesota to farm. I hadn’t seen him for 29 years so my first thought was that he wouldn’t remember me, but then I remembered one of Missy’s guiding principles:
Write without intention
Write without hopes of getting a letter back – just tell someone how they have made a difference in your life.
As I started writing, I found that the guiding principle kept me from censoring myself. When I work with intention, with the hopes of getting something from someone, I tailor my words and actions so they will help me get what I want. That means I am no longer working from my heart, but I am working from my head. It means I am trying to control the outcomes, without knowing all the factors that are in play. It means I am coming from a place of selfishness. I am playing a game. By just opening up my heart, I wrote a letter that became very emotional for me.
Paul Tandberg changed my life. And I told him so.
The exercise was cathartic
The emotions that arose were so powerful I had tears in my eyes as I wrote. Sentence after sentence, I reflected on ways I had helped people and ways I had contributed to the pain and confusion in the world. I saw where I still needed to work on me and where I could help others in my life.
I sent the letter. Dropping the letter in the slot was a powerful moment. It felt good. It felt like a release. I was showing my teacher what I had done with myself. It felt like a reckoning, but one that would be understood with a compassionate, sly smile and good-hearted laughter. Why did I know that? Because that’s one of the things he had taught me.
About a week later, he wrote back. It was beautiful! He never stopped teaching. He recommended a couple songs for me to listen to and strongly recommended a book for me to read based on the letter I had sent him. He closed with lines of comfort and advice, “Sometimes it is helpful to know that what looks like a dead end ahead is just a corner into something new. (I have learned that heroes never set off on their heroic journey willingly.)”
I am so thankful that I wrote this letter. Even if he hadn’t written back, the exercise reminded me that to give is to receive and that
To work without intention means to work wholeheartedly
What a gift!
Dog-gone it.
I started this 50 letters project 9 months ago. It was bright, shiny, flashy, new and, well, it was going to be the new thing to do. Everyone was gonna do it! I just knew it!
Well, it’s not flashy any more. So, I thought I’d try a couple of other things to entertain myself, and see if at the very least, I might make you laugh out loud, so your neighbor can hear you. Here are things I have always wanted to write, but thought better. Today, there is no thinking involved.
How about ‘the top 3 very convincing reasons to write someone a letter
1. Buying forever stamps help keep the US Postal service in business. Because it’s such a great business model! “cram all you want in this box, it’s the same fee” (picture fedex & UPS employees bending over laughing”)
2. You can pretend that’s it’s all about them, but secretly you are hoping you get a letter back. And if you don’t get a letter back, scratch! They are off the holiday card list.
3. It’s a good way to save money in a recession. ‘oh, honey, I wrote you this letter instead of buying you that new watch. I just knew it would mean more’
How about another guest blog
About the amazing timing and impact receiving a letter made on someone’s life. It can be filled with love, be authentic, and generally make you feel worse because you wrote a letter and never got a reply. In fact, you will NEVER write that letter because, well, you just know they won’t write you back!
How about a snappy way to make a list
With a keen reward system, that ends with you putting more work into finding a way to write the letter than actually just sitting down and doing it. you could go out, buy cool paper, no, order paper with your name on it, find a post office and buy stamps, sit down one evening to write. open a bottle of wine, and by the 3rd glass, have crossed off all the names except your cat, who you decide is the only person that really knows you.
Or
I have an idea.
You could just write the damn letter! (insert Missy smiling”.)
I was with a good friend, colleague and really bright women yesterday. During the meeting, we were talking about communicating stuff. And she said the above statement.
Now, in the context of the meeting yesterday, it was, BING, BING, BING Bing-a-lant. (Brilliant has been over used ever since those wacky Guinness Guys said it!)
But, I think it works other places too. So, I’m stealin’ it. I’m gonna try it out on you.
Say it
I was standing at a fork in the road, when I made up the dealieo of writing 50 letters in 50 days. I did it for several reasons:
1. I needed structure. Because the wise Zen-master Baristia Doug said “Structure is important in times of change”
2. I found myself living in a world of expectations. MOST communication is sent with intent, and in business, the intent is both implicit & explicit. I need something from you.
3. I was, and probably still am, in mid-life transition. The noise in my head, and heart, got so loud, I had to listen. It said “what are you going to do for the rest of your life??,” (note, I did not buy a red car or have an affair. That would be mid-life crisis!)
Show it
I did it. I thought it would be a good idea, and I just started writing. Then, I wondered if there might be other folks out there, who might like a little nudge to do the same thing. STOP. Be PRESENT. And remember someone who made a difference in their life. There are many examples in past blogs, of the people who did the same thing, and experienced something amazing.
Prove it
So, if you are wondering, does this really make a difference? This letter writing thing? Do you have a little doubting Thomas on your shoulder? If you do. Keep reading. This is a note, I got last week, from my niece Emma. I wrote my 1st letter to her in February 2009. If after reading this, you are still in the doubting Thomas camp. Coolieo. Delete the bookmark. If, it strikes a cord, then, my ask of you is to
do something
Write a letter.
Forward the blog to someone else.
Play it forward
Yes, Play it forward.
These are Emma’s words.
When I first read your letter in February I was instantly warmed by it. The experiences you learned throughout your college days I’m now discovering are similar to mine, yet completely different. Going into my first year at the U of M I felt I always knew what I wanted to do with my life. I want to act. I want to be on stage entertaining and moving others the way I have been moved by theater. Fill the audience with smiles and laughter; bring them tears and sorrow, awkwardness and confusion, love and lust. I can’t remember when I consciously decided I was going to be an actress, I think it was always there, as if I never made the choice it just came to me and presented its self as if to say you will never be able to ignore this. One of the many aspects that keep me in the theater world is the fact that I will change someone’s life” or at least until the curtain closes. Someone out there in the audience will see the sorrow and utter sadness that my character may be portraying and they will think to themselves, huh, perhaps my chaotic life isn’t so awful after all. Or I will put a smile on someone’s face who has not sincerely laughed in days, weeks, or even months. Going to the theater lets people forget, it’s like a good book for me, once I’m hooked everything else in my life seems to fade deeper and deeper with every page. This is what I want to do with my life. My dream. My soul. My breath.
So naturally I never dreamed that I would experience the hesitation of continuing my acting major in hopes of a BFA. Life loves to throw you little setbacks and screw with your head that I am certain of. However, the beginning of this year (my sophomore year of college) I found myself feeling ashamed whenever someone would ask me what my major was.
“Acting? Really? Why? What the heck are you going to do with that degree,”
This is the response that completely and utterly irks me. So I began weighing my options and trying to figure out if I wanted to take the safe way out. I thought to myself, what else am I passionate about? Children. I love kids, always have. So I suddenly decided that I would try to double major in Elementary Education (ha!). Now I am certainly not what you would call academically motivated or intelligent, I’ve got my smarts in other areas 
. Despite the fact that I have never really been a great student I went to the Elementary Ed. Advisor to ask what I needed to do in order to get a degree in the Education department. She gave me a sheet filled front and back with the classes I need to take even before I get accepted into the department. There is roughly 200 credits I must complete in order to get my BFA in acting, there is probably equally as much for the education department (exhale). I would most definitely be in school for 5 years or so. Oh well, I thought, I know I want to do acting for sure and I love kids, not sure if I’m any good at teaching, but playing with little ones in preschool sounds like fun. This was my back up. So as I tried to set up my class schedule with this elementary advisor we soon realized the major time conflicts in my schedule with my acting classes and the classes for education. To resolve this problem she simply said, “Well, why don’t you just drop acting.”"”.Great.
I left soon after that. I thought that was crazy talk, acting to me is like breathing. You can’t just stop breathing because someone says it will be more convenient. Yet, I found myself going back and forth with sticking with my passion and settling for a “guaranteed job.” I could minor in acting, only the problem with that is no one takes you seriously as an actor if you only have a BA, at least not in this department. So you could say I was a bit lost. I was contemplating giving up my dream, trying to discover who I was, and to top it all I was feeling very insignificant academically. I just failed a math test while nearly everyone else in the class got an A. This is a 105 math class, basically the easiest math you can take for actual college credit and yet I was still struggling for a C in the damn class! This dilemma occurred several months after I received your letter. I re read your letter today and your words of wisdom inspired me. You wrote,
“1. I don’t test well. Standard tests, fill in the blank, ect. I need to experience stuff to learn, THEN, I could beat the pants off anyone!
2. Status Quo drives me nuts. In fact, I will take a path that hasn’t been taken before over the same path.
3. Do what you love.
4 Don’t follow the pack. Lead. ”
After reading it for the second time I still got that warmth, yet somehow it was different. By this point I was pretty certain to give up my dream would be a stupid idea, but I was still shaky. I came across your letter and opened it stunned I didn’t lose it in the move. I read number 3 and smiled thinking, Miss would be so proud of me. I read number 4 and shook my head thinking, I’m not a “normal” person and I love that about myself; of course my passion and career choice is going to be out of the norm. I read number 2, probably scrunching my eyebrows thinking, the ones who criticize my love of theater are usually the ones who don’t have a passion in life and will graduate with business majors because they don’t know what they want to be when they “grow up.” I detest status quo as well. Finally, when I read number 1 I took a deep breath and accepted. Just because I fail a test, does not mean I’m a complete moron, I just need to try a little harder than others when it comes to math. Math is my devil.
The point is, the first time I read your letter I was content, happy, and a bubbly freshman and your letter made me that much more full of fuzziness. The second time I came across your letter I needed reassurance, I was feeling lost and blue, a sensation many 20 year olds have throughout their college lives, well throughout our entire lives really. Your words of wisdom reached out to me, not giving me new aspects on life, but reminding me of the old ones, the things I hold dear to me. My “dilemma” in life was minor compared to most, I realize this, but it’s amazing how reading a few words could comfort me. The impacts these letters have on people amaze me. The effect is different for us all weather we lost our mother or a friend or are simply trying to discover the right route in life, these letters help. I guess you could say I lost myself for a moment, I eventually found myself soon after, but by re reading your letter it tied It all together. It gave me the fuzziness I was missing. Everyone deserves fuzziness in their lives.
I wrote to you after I received your letter. I can’t remember what I wrote but I know it was from the heart, but I also know that it didn’t even scratch the surface of things I wish I could put into words. Perhaps one day I will get it right. I have several people in mind that I could write a letter to. They deserve my gratitude. One day I will write to each and every one of them in hopes that they understand the impact they had on my life. They made me the person I am today, a person that I am proud to be, and for that I will forever be grateful.
Thank you Stitched. Emma L. Pickering.
p.s. Remember that name”she’s gonna be on stage someday.
p.s.s. I heart Emma.
Isn’t it funny. How a 3 minute exchange, can stick to you.
Yesterday, I was driving my minivan (which I still can’t believe we own). My 7 year old daughter was in the back seat, just looking out the window.
I had been thinking a lot, about communicating to children. Mostly because, I think they understand way more than we give them credit for. Oh, they might not know the capital of, say, South Dakota, but they know other things. They feel things.
Here’s our conversation.
Me. “can I ask you a question,” (Which seems a silly question, in hindsight”)
Ellie. “Sure”
Me. “If I asked you to name 3 people that make a difference in your life, would you know what that means,”
Ellie. ‘Yes’
I waited for a few minutes and asked “who,”
Ellie smiled and said “Sammy, Momma & you.”
I just smiled. It brought me right into the moment, with her. Because, that’s where she was.
In the moment
From her heart
The words didn’t get caught in a maze of filters, or intellect, about what difference means, or who should be on the list, or what if’s. She didn’t filter it through the I THINK filter. It came straight from the heart.
Later that night, I asked why we were on her list. She said, “why Sammy? Because I love him, even though we fight a lot”
Ok, the fighting part made me laugh out loud. and then I realized I had done it againg. That why was me, using my intellect filter, again? Darn it! And her answer, again, from the heart.
There’s a lot of learning in that 3 minute exchange. Or, maybe, a lot of
Unlearning
for us grown-up types.
Being thankful is from the heart.
Being grateful is from the heart.
It ain’t intellect business.
Maybe, that’s why so many people I talk to, tell me who they want to write a letter to, but haven’t yet. Does it get stuck, in the intellect filter?
Maybe, we live in our heads so much, that the business of the heart is foreign. Strange. And, maybe, as adults, we stay away from strange.
Today, just today,
What if you did it
You just wrote a letter, to someone who made a difference in your life. Yes, you.
What if YOU did it? Imagine the play it forward that would happen.
Still stuck in intellect? ….read these 2 Blogs,one by Robyn, one by Amy.
Then, see, no FEEL the intangible would of being grateful unfold in front of you.
It’s kinda magic.
Yesterday
I was at a class at The Loft Literary Center Minneapolis. It’s an intuitive writing class, taught by the fabulous Roxanne. It’s a great place, with a great coffee shop, that looks exactly like a place people want to write go. Creaky wooden floors, and people from all walks of life. check it out.
Yesterday, the term ‘Lean into it” kept coming up.
Yesterday, the last thing in the world I wanted to do was lean into it. I wanted to run really far from it. It’ doesn’t even matter what the IT is. We all have IT’s.
Today
I went to yoga, remembered to breath, and I leaned into it. Funny thing happened. The world got bigger. My problems got smaller. The sun got brighter.
Leaning takes trust. Trust of self, others. Just trust.
Tomorrow
I’ll lean in a little more.
Sunday
I’ll lean in again. Sunday, November 22, I have the privledge of hosting a Gratitude In Action letter writing workshop at Judson Memorial Baptist Church. My good friend, Jimmi Langemo will be there to sing the un-named song we wrote about my experience writing 50 letters. Join me, or pick up a pen and paper, at 9am Sunday, and write a letter to someone you know, that made a difference in your life.
Either way,
Lean in and feel the freedom
Recently, I met an amazing women and heard her story. It started with a simple question, “what are you thankful for”. I remember when she told the story, being overwhelmed with her gratitude, her confidence and her presence in the world. When you read the story, you’ll see that she started a habit, which we could all learn from. Taking time to thank someone, every day.
I asked her if she would be willing to share the story, with each of you. She agreed, and as you might imagine, asked if she could remain “anonymous”. Below is her story”
The Art Of The Thank You
Being Grateful
for all of the many blessings that have been given to me in my life has prompted me to perfect the art of the “Thank You”. At 40 years of age, after waiting 7 years on a waiting list for adoption I was finally blessed with a son. Past years with my husband we failed at invetro fertilization not once but twice, after that we had resolved to know that we would never have a child in our life and we would resign to work hard and retire early and spend our retirement years somewhere on the water with a boat. In February 1992 I came home from work to find a message on my answering service from our adoption counselor. She stated that we had been chosen by a birth mother to have a baby.
Requesting an anonymous meeting we met her and the birth father and talked of plans to raise this child. In my heart of hearts I felt that once this child was born she would not give him up. So I tried hard not to dwell on it and for it not to cause me any more pain. We were called on April 17, 1992 by our counselor to inform us that a baby boy had been born and that the birth mother had waived all rights and wanted him to come to his new family and home. I had 5 hours notice to prepare for the biggest event of my life. My best friend and I scurried all over town trying to gather baby items necessary for his arrival.
It was surreal to see this automobile enter my driveway with my counselor and “my son” arriving on Good Friday. This was a Great Friday for me! From the moment my counselor introduced me to my child, the bond of motherhood began for me.
One of the requirements of the adoption agency was to send photos ever 90 days for one year to the birth mother. This was part of a healing step for her. I found this to be an emotional time for me as well because I wrote a note to her each time with the photos I was sending. I would quietly watched him sleep while I wrote to her the latest in his developments and the love he gained from his family members, Godparents and close friends. There was so much love and support. I wanted her to know that this
Selfless Act
enabled me to fulfill the greatest calling and dream of my life. After my year of obligation was up I decided to continue to write every year a note of gratitude and update her on his development. Always to reassure her that he was so loved by all. He is now 17 and I continue to write each year as I feel a bond with her. My child has given me the love and the feelings that I needed to give to others, to receive back, gratefully from others and to enjoy life as it is a blessing to me… he is my blessing and my reason for everything good that I do and give and the good that I receive back.
I brought this Thank You into my career in sales.
There is not a day that goes by
that there isn’t someone that you can thank. Every morning when I wake I sit quietly at my desk and I write a thank you note or two to clients, friends or acquaintances that I have been touched by. The intent was not to help me increase my business; but it has. I encourage you to purchase, The Art Of Thank You, a small book that is all about thank you notes.
In closing, I am grateful and thankful for relationships I have as they have created a chain of events that have helped make the circle of my life complete; with friends, family, and those that I didn’t know but have grown to know. My career has grown only because I have grown and loved something more precious than myself…
and I thank everyone for that.
-Anonymous
I just wrote letter #59 & #60.
It’s still amazes me that I keep
learning
every time I write a letter. and, each time I write a letter, I get the opportunity to learn something. Sometimes, it’s learning it again. Sometimes, it’s learning something new. Today, it was a lot of
re-learning
I used to beat myself up, when I had to re-learn something. Now, I’m a little more gentle with myself, and accept the re-learning.
Here are 8 things I learned, again, about writing a letter to someone who has made a difference.
Heart
1. Writing a letter is from the heart. When I let my head get in the way, I edit, think too much, and it takes ‘forever’ to write the letter. that’s a clue that it ain’t from your heart. Hint: It takes about 12mins when it’s from you heart”it just flows.
Getting started
2. Getting started is the hardest part for me. So, I close your eyes, be still just for a minute. The person I am supposed to write to will come to me. it’s kinda magic. When I trust myself, it seems to create enough of crack, that taking a ‘risk’ and being vulnerable doesn’t seem so risky after all.
Context
3. Context is important. I’ve been writing letters for almost a year now, and even though I know the story, the reason why I am writing a letter, generally speaking, the person receiving it doesn’t.
Breathe
4. Breathe. When I get stuck, I stop, close my eyes and take a deep breath. Amazing what air will do for the heart.
Moments
5. Moments happen all the time. Moments that touch us, and make a difference are big & small, and everything in-between. I use the words ‘I remember’ a lot. It helps me see the moments, and then be able to write about them.
Specific
6. Be specific. I tell the person ‘what’ they did, and ‘why’ that made a difference to me. Imagine what the world would be like if more people KNEW, they made a difference.
Thank You
7. Close with a real thank you. I don’t say “hey, thanks”. I say thank you.
Without Strings Attached
8. When I focus on someone else, without any expectations, no strings attached, it creates more space in my life. I have learned this lesson a kazillion times, and it has been true, every time I learn it.
And, if you are looking for a really special gift this season,
Give the gift of gratitude
Write a letter, to someone who has made a difference in your life. The world could use a little positive energy, today.
I thank you.
I call it Rouge, because there weren’t really any rules. We didn’t exchange recipes, we just piled them all on the table, and then spent the next 2 hours eating chili, eating cookies, munching on cheese dips, drinking wine, presecco, swapping holding the 2 beautiful little girls that came with their moms & laughing. Then, at the end of the evening, we just took a bunch of cookies & muffins (Thanks Kendra!!!) home.We called it a cookie Exchange, but for me, it was so much more. It was an evening filled with warmth & love & support”.and women, who make a difference.
This post is dedicated to you: Jess, Mardi, Kendra, Trish, Jen, Sue, Hoonster, & Megan. And little ones, Frankie & Calia.
To all the women in my life
You inspire me. You listen to me. You smile with me. You cry with me. You have taught me to trust. You have taught me to be a business women. You have pushed me, and stood by me when I took each of those steps. You have just loved me for me. You laugh at really bad jokes. You helped me realize a dream, of competing, and winning a medal. You challenge me to think different, and then encourage me to act different. You remind me the world is big. You run with me in the really cold weather, and make it seem, well, kind of easy. You are a role model, for living life, to the fullest. You are the queen of PowerPoint. You taught me that feminist isn’t a bad word, because you redefined it. You folded me into your family, and loved me. You showed me that taking a risk is ok, and not the end of the world. You taught me that artist are everywhere. You taught me to read, something other than a business book. You taught me that the big fat Greek wedding, really might take place, just like the movie. You taught me grace.You welcomed me, my questioning, with open arms. You have solved more problems with me, logged more miles, & listened without judgment. You are following YOUR dream. You are a role model for standing in the space, creating a place, for others to grow. You met me, and smiled, all the way to my heart. You taught me to study. You saw the world, shared it with us all, & came back to make a difference. You see life with a twist, and think it’s funny. So do me. You sat on the front steps, and listened, and put your arm around me and said it will be ok. You took a big step, and then another. You smiled. You helped me pull a prank”and then I folded, and you still laughed at me. You’re changing the world. You believed in yourself. You left me directions, in my hotel room, on my 1st day at my new job. You shared a room with me, for 18 years. You reminded me to be gentle, and let my body heal. You listened. You helped me be really curious. You wrote a story about us; in your college women’s study class…and that meant so much. You ARE the world. You coached me, supported me, and let me go into the world. You make me laugh, and feel like family. Your laugh is contagious, and all the way from the bottom of your belly. You are defining life, in midlife, and it ain’t a crisis. You bring a soul to the corporate world. You got people to do something to make a difference. You wrote a book, about bread. You believed in me, when I didn’t. You are my soul, you stole my heart. You make me remember to be young. You believe in the process, democracy. You are an entrepreneur. You give my kid’s candy and me unconditional love. You are a friend, no conditions. You have an odd sense of humor that makes me laugh. You are just always there, a steady friend, in all times.
To all of you, Namaste
I bow to you, and honor the light in you, the teacher in you, as it is in me.
Got 4 Minutes?
Listen to this…..All You Need is Love
Got 10 more Minutes?
1.Close your eyes.
2.Who is the 1st person that comes to mind when you hear this song?
3.Pick up a pen.
4.Write them a letter….start with “I’m writing this because I just watched this video, and thought of you, and didn’t want another day to go by with out saying……..”
5.Mail it.
Congratulations! YOU just wrote a letter, and joined the gratitude revolution!
You like history.
You like lots of twists.
You have a ton of time, since it has a bazillion chapters.One of the characters, Robert Langdon, who has this habit of always looking at something from every angle. It’s been a helpful skill, and kept him alive since the Davinci Code…..
2 stories about Context
Story 1
This morning, I got an email from the small group of people that lead the charge to put up a memorial at my old high school to honor Ms. Miller, an American Literature teacher. If you haven’t read the story behind the importance of Ms. Miller, click here.
The email was a detailed account of how much money came in and how the money was spent. It made me smile, because it was again a reminder of the difference Ms. Miller’s actions made in people’s lives. Money continued to flow in, even after the memorial was paid for.
The part that struck me was this”Unfortunately, there has already been damage to the bench caused by an errant skateboarder.
My 1st reaction
damn kid. Why does he or she have so little respect for Ms. Miller. Doesn’t he or she KNOW how disrespectful that is? Doesn’t he or she KNOW what a difference this women made in my life? Kids.
Then, I listened to my judgment. And rolled my eyes, because I had once again, channeled my parents! I thought, WWLD? (What Would Langdon Do?)
How could I look at this differently
Shawn White is on the USA Olympic team. Bet you remember him from the last winter games. He’s the curly red-headed young man, who took the gold medal in snowboarding. Here’s the 60 minutes interview with him from last night.
Shawn started out skateboarding.
It made me think, about all the made up
Rules & Assumptions
I have about respect for ‘stuff’. I mean, seriously, would Ms. Miller, if she were alive, have a conniption fit because a quarter size chuck of marble fell off because someone was doing something they love?
On the bench, we had the following engraved:
~Inspired curiosity, tolerance, respect & confidence
~Students found identity
What if
this skateboarder, is the next Olympian? I knew Ms. Miller for a few years, and she loved sports. She was at every football game, softball game, you name it. Would Ms. Miller turn on the TV, see one of her students following their passion, and competing in the Olympics and think “my only wish is that he or she never used my bench as a practice pad”. I don’t know”.I don’t think so.
If I close my eyes, I can see her smile. That smile that was more about just being curious vs. being right.
Story 2
Yesterday, I was sitting with a group of folks from the place I go on Sundays. It was early. I hadn’t finished my coffee. The topic was something like this. We made a change to our time for service, and it says we should check in and see how it’s going. So, let’s answer these 2 questions”.1. how’s it working for you”..you get the picture”
Well, you might imagine, the hands shot up, and we heard a bunch of personal reflections on how this was working, or not. This went on for 30-40 mins. I call it spinning. Not really going anywhere. Now, we had a bunch of people, all with their own assumptions spinning around a room. Again, I thought, what would Langdon do? I asked for some context”what was the ultimate goal or reason we all showed up here on Sunday? What might happen if we start from that? We got some additional context, any yet, I’m not sure everyone walked out with a common understanding.
So what?
Well, what do these 2 stories have in common? Out of context, you might come to a different conclusion. The skateboarder is a punk kid”..and you might continue to make change for change sake, or because of 1 group that’s more vocal than another.
Context matters. I think.
I was challenged on this yesterday. By my spouse. That maybe, just maybe, there are people who, even with context, would make the same decision. Ok, I’ll give you that. But, I’m not giving up. I think context matters.
Again, what would Langdon do? (ok, this guy isn’t even real! ) So, I’m being curious. Here’s a very scientific survey, designed by professionals, and soon to show up on the US census survey. Well, that’s an exaggeration”but, It’s only 3 questions and a soap box for you to pontificate your thoughts! I’ll share the results”..
They crammed on stage, standing on risers, waving when they saw someone they knew.
There were lots of smiles.
The kind of smiles that start with your eyes shining.The gym could have been the gym I played in when I was 7! There’s something comforting about things changing, and sometimes, they don’t.Anyway, the room was packed with supporters. Siblings, grandparents, parents, friends, teachers. I had the best seat in the house, front row. I waved to anyone that waved and couldn’t help but smile back.As I listened to them sing, I realized just how
Present
they were.
They were having fun, so they smiled.
They saw someone they knew, they waved.
They forgot a word, and just went on.
They accidently wacked the person next to them with their arm movements, and they both just laughed.
When they were done, they smiled, pumped their fist in the air, and one kid on the front row did some sort of rock star bow he probably saw on the superbowl last night.
7 year olds are present
Someone once said “kids are our future”" which implies that what they have to share with the world, doesn’t count until some made up date.
I’d say, that there was a bunch of
Wisdom
in that gym today, and, it was a gift
The present
Which was very different than the guy sitting next to me, who gripped about having to be there, checked his blackberry, and half heartedly took a picture. Seems he missed the present bus, today.
I have no judgment about the guy who was sitting next to me. I’ve been that guy. (well, metaphorically speaking) I have found myself living for the future, feet stuck in the past. I still do it. the good news, I can then
Choose
to do something different.
There is good news, for those of us over 7.
The present is here, now. And now, and now. Opps, there it is again!
Why not give it a try.
Be present, with the next person you see
Just listen and see what happens~
Looking for a great gift for your valentine? Try The Precious Present, by Spencer Johnson
One time, I was texting a mushy message to my spouse. I meant to write Love U”and thanks to auto spell check it turned the U into the word Up, right as I hit send. You can imagine the response I got. Made me LOL!
Love seems like such a serious thing! I mean, look at these quotes:
~you only fall in love once,
~life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit, Gibran
~the love that last the longest is the love that is never returned, Shakespeare
~love is one of the hardest things to say, and easiest to hear, anonymous
~true love burns the brightest, but the brightest flames leave the deepest scars, anonymous
Enough!!!!!
of the view of love that is so serious! Here’s my attempt at not taking myself so seriously.
50 things I love:
1. The singing mailman who comes into the Dunn Bros in Edina
2. My 4yr old’s laugh
3. My Cole Hahn boots that my spouse used her 70% off coupon for to get ME boots instead of her! now that’s love
4. Caribou coffee
5. Oh, who am I kidding. I love coffee
6. Running in the snow
7. Chocolate. B.T. McElrath
8. The way snow sparkles
9. Books.
10. Sam
11. Laughing until my stomach hurts”like we did on date night last week.
12. Shrimp carpaccio at Salut
13. Precesso
14. Italy
15. Adventure racing with Joe & Dave
16. Sunshine
17. The way snow hangs on pine trees.
18. Walking under snow hanging on pine trees and making it fall”on someone!
19. Practical jokes. Really good ones.
20. Watching my 7yr old swing on a trapeze
21. American Idol
22. I used to love LOST.
23. Journals that you can write in
24. Talking to my mom & dad on the phone. And it doesn’t matter which one I’m talking to, the other one is in the background talking to me too
25. Emma Lou the actress. What? Don’t know her. oh, you will.
26. Yoga
27. Digital camera
28. Getting a letter in the mail
29. Hopetown
30. Big red wine
31. Camping with my family
32. Barefoot Contessa cookbooks
33. Our home
34. Whoever invented the wireless headset
35. Laughing
36. Did I already say coffee?
37. Connecting stuff
38. Google
39. The TED conference, even though it cost so much.
40. New ideas.
41. Cheese sticks. Individually wrapped
42. Sleeping in
43. My cat Molly. She talks to me all day long. I have no idea what she is saying. Could be “gramma fell down the well” I just smile.
44. The grand canyon. Now THAT’s a big hole in the ground
45. Walking on the beach. No running on the beach. No, both.
46. Pizza.
47. Carol Burnett. Ellen DeGeneres. Because their humor is simple and does no harm.
48. Sweets. All kinds. Mostly have never turned down a piece of candy
49. Being present
50. Life.
What’s your 50? Send em to me and I’ll publish them! {encode=”melissadurant@msn.com” title=”Missy”}
Love up.
Check out Ann & Kara’s list of stuff they love on 50letters.ning.com
Here are the top 4 replies to “50 things I love”.
If after reading, you are STILL not smiling….try writing your your own list.
Go ahead, you might be surprised.
If that STILL doesn’t work, well, lay your head down now and take a nap!
Wait, read this one THEN take a nap.
Anonymous Mom List
“My first 45 would be a NAP. Then wine, coffee, and the 3 kids.” (p.s. who hasn’t felt like this before!)
Kristina’s List:
1. Chocolate, 2. Traveling (especially in Italy), 3. My kids smiles & hugs, 4. Drinking red wine with my girlfriends, 5. Paul, 6. Banff in the winter – it’s like a snowglobe, 7. Shopping!, 8. My circle of friends”, 9. NYC, 10. Eating at great restaurants especially with Paul, 11. Seeing my kids do something for the first time, 12. Being on the beach with my kids, 13. Hugs from my dad, 14. Wisdom from Marilyn, 15. My mom’s garden, 16. The 4 yr old neighbor Nolan and his deep smoker voice : ) he often says “Jack here,” in that deep voice, 17. Exploring new places, 18. Learning all about someone and then helping them anyway I can, 19. Yoga, 20. When Paul plays piano in our house after all the kids are in bed”.beautiful, 21. Smiling at everyone and receiving the unexpected smile back”.22. When snow freezes on the trees and they sparkle in the sun, 23. My Lucky boots, 24. Iver’s on the wharf in Seattle, 25. The flowers at Pike Street Market, 26. Going to Guertens with my mom, 27. The Isle of Capri, 28. Seeing Paul realize we were going to “Pebble Beach”"yep the golf course and sitting near the 18th green watching golfers come in for their final shot. 29. An ice skater or gymnasts perfect landing, 30. When the underdog wins, 31. Hearing my 9 year old say “everyone needs a friend” and her teacher saying that she has never had such a loving child in her classroom, 32. Summer BBQs with family and friends, 33. When Jack says “When are we going to Cancoon (Cancun) again,” hehe, 34. The view of Mt Rainer from my cousins deck on Puget Sound, 35. Food in Italy, 36. Wine in Italy, 37. Rome”ok”I just can’t get enough of Italy!, 38. My friend Jeannette’s laugh, 39. Our wedding in Carmel, 40. Sea Turtles, 41. Sleeping in, 42. Getting a Mocha with Paul, 43. Going to Stillwater for lunch at Whiteys, 44. Phil’s Tara Hideaway for dinner with friends, 45. Working out and seeing results, 46. Realizing that we aren’t on this earth for very long so make the best of everything and everyday, 47. When my yogi says “the light within me honors the light within you”, 48. Home, 49. Taking the time to think about all the things I love : ), 50. Missy and all the love she is pouring out through reminding us to stop, write and Love Up : )
Ann’s List:
1)Denny 2) My big red dog – Boulder 3)Trying new recipes 4) Food Network TV 5) Barefoot Contessa 6) Giada 7) Bobbie Flay 
Learning 9) Kid laughs 10) Boulder’s antics as he walks me every day 11) New puppy smell 12) My space heater in my office 13) Noah, Milla, Micah, Jennie, Dylan & Marley 14) Carolyn, Susan, Katie John & Isabel 15) Coloring 16) Starbuck’s French Roast (dang – that reminds me – I’m out!) 17) The Wild Women hanging on my wall 18) Journals – even though I don’t journal 19) Candles 20) Ling Chang calendars 21) Aveda anything 22) Sandra at Envy Salon – keeps my red fun 23) Being grateful 24) Sitting in the hot tub with Denny – reflecting on our days or solving the world’s problems 25) The Biggest Loser 26) Meeting new people and discovering our connections 27) Creating and witnessing “aha’s” 28) Bright markers 29) Chardonnay 30) My elliptical in the basement waiting just for me 31) My motorcycle gang 32) RVing 33) Riding in the mountains in Montana 34) The top of the Bear Tooth Pass 35) Meeting the bar tender who fixed up hundreds of bikes for little kids for Christmas 36) Reading 37) Brunch with my Diva’s 38) The color ORANGE 39) Clementines 40) Choice 41) Mom’s lasagna 42) Flintstone’s Vitamins 43) Impact & reward 44) My life’s lessons. . . so far. . . more to come 45) Cuddling 46) Honesty 47) Vulnerability 48) Celebrating 49) Chocolate – especially the dark chocolate caramels with sea salt at Byerly’s 50) My life!
Susan’s List:
1. my husband scott. 2. my children ellen and audrey. 3. that my sister and I talk – every day. 4. my friend judy never laughs at me – not to my face anyway! 5. sharing italy with family and friends. 5. sitting with my cat christmas. 6. helping a stranger when they least expect it. 7. calling my brother greg and knowing he is estactic that I did. 8. smelling flowers when ever I can. 9. celebrating birthdays with my “girls from the hood” 10. enjoying spicy earthy red wine. 11. watching idol with my girls 12. the smell of coffee. 13. eating great pizza. 14. receiving a pedicure. 15. giving flowers 16. using beautiful linens and not saving them! 17. sunrises. 18. sunsets 19. silver trays. 20. the smell of spring earth. 20. the sounds of a new born baby. 21. the male cardinal that sits in my tree and gives me hope 22. candles burning 23. popcorn with olive oil and Parmesan 24. cashmere sweaters 25. the sound of my parents laughter 26. rocking to music in church 27. the colors yellow and green. 28. my neighbors laugh thru the open window 29. forgiveness 30. freshly baked bread 31. ironing 32. drinking prosecco with friends 33. freshly pressed olive oil 34. music 35. the knowledge that I am loved 36. peonies and roses 37. new lipstick 38. the hotpink silk pjs my husband brought me from shanghai 39. receiving a handwritten note. 40. clean windows 41. a new color and haircut 42. holding hands with my daughters 43. cooking dinner for family and friends. 44. a clean kitchen 45. the smell of a freshly mowed yard 46. movies that move me to tears 47. all the friends who believe in me 48. that every day is filled with the unknown and capacity for greatness 49. hugs – big ones. 50. freedom of speech.
I was driving by Cub, on my way to the North Memorial Hospital to do a lunch & learn about Gratitude. For some reason I had a thought “wouldn’t it be nice to stop and pick up some flowers”it would surprise people, brighten the room, and I would have a drawing and give them away in addition to the 2 Stitched writing kits I brought”
It was a cold day, reallycold“and I was in the wrong lane to turn into Cub when I had the thought, and started to dismiss it”because I didn’t want to get out of my car in the cold!
In a moment
I listened to that little voice, did a quick and most certainly, illegal lane change and went to Cub.
I ran in and picked yellow daisies.
Yellow just seemed like a good color on a grey day.
There were 20 or so people there, I shared my story of 50 letters, and everyone in the room wrote a letter. (insert Missy smiling here!)
20+ more letters in the mail. 20+ more people who go to their mail box, get a letter, and for a moment
Living in the same gratitude as the writer
Cool stuff.
When it came time to do the drawing, the women who got the flowers just smiled”and I overheard the person next to her say “”oh wow..tell her what happened today”. I looked at her, and got a sense she didn’t want to say anything, so I smiled and closed with a big thank you.
Today, I got a letter from Karla. She’s the amazing women, friend, who asked me to speak to this group. She’s one of the Chaplain’s at the hospital. The thing I love about Karla, is she doesn’t fit the chaplain mold that I grew up with… ..the 1st time I met her, we were coming into church, late with the kids”.because I had to stop and get coffee”and she smiled and said, “doesn’t coffee just complete the spiritual experience!” I still laught about that, and obviously agree, since I had to stop and get a coffee!
Anyway.
The letter. In it, she said the women who got the flowers, had made the decision to retire, and put in her notice that morning.
A pretty big day I’d say”..and it seems like the flowers arrived at
Just the right time.
Betcha if you wrote a letter, called someone you’ve been thinking about, or stopped by to see them…it would be just the right time.
We all worked together 10 years ago for the same company.
That was 10 years ago.
Life has changed.Sitting across from him, I found myself bouncing back and forth between 2000 & 2010. It was odd. I found myself, searching for my identity again.I found myself not fitting in the conversation, or at least feeling like I didn’t fit.• I’m not ‘working’ full time for a big company.
• I’m not responsible for some large number of ‘employees’.
• I don’t have war stories about the person next to me on the plane that”.
• I haven’t’ been in a dialogue about transparency in the spirit of good leadership. (thank goodness!)I’m ONLY•Responsible for creating a loving, caring, safe, fun environment for my family, making sure lunches are made (sorry Sammy”that I put your sandwich in ellie’s lunch yesterday), doctor appointments are made and kept, make the deadlines for camp, get homework done, and find a way to explain why coconut, the new fish in the house was vertical this morning. ie CFO (chief family officer)•A principal in a business that is growing by leaps in bounds, that’s a platform for innovation, unlocking unheard voices”.and will change the world.
•Writing a blog every week, chipping away at writing a book, which kinda makes me a writer”until I am published, when I turn into an author.
I realized last night, that
It’s ok to not “fit in”.
That unraveling my identity from my ‘job’ is a process vs. a destination. Seriously,
Do I have to keep learning that lesson?
And what “in” am I trying to fit?
The good news was, we had all changed. The perspective changed. Check out post on perspective, ‘as compared to what’. We are all different people, because our perspective changed.
I wasn’t being present and conscious, I allowed myself to sit my thoughts, and live in the past, and forgot that
My past identify is not who I am today.
Of course it felt weird! It would be like wearing leg warmers, a jacket with big shoulder pads, stirrup pants and a B-I-G hair sprayed hairdo to a job interview today. It just doesn’t work and will likely only a really odd response.
If this strikes a cord with you, the who am I question:
Consider giving yourself the gift of time.
Take out a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle of the page from top to bottom.
On the left, list 7 people that made a difference in your life.
On the right describe why they made a difference.
You might be surprised
To see a pattern of the stuff that’s really important to you.
That recognizing someone from your past, can actually help you be present. And in being present, you might begin to answer the who am I question.
I think it’s because
Gratitude is a present emotion”
it’s not something you plan on having in the future, or pine for in the past”gratitude is a now emotion. Identity is the same thing”it’s not what you did in the past, or what you want to be in the future, it’s who you are now.
WANT BONUS POINTS?
Pick someone from your list”and write them the letter.
Double bonus points for mailing the letter.
And while no ones’ really keeping track of the points, a letter sent without expectations and in gratitude can deliver 10 fold.
And who doesn’t love that kind of math!
You know what I love about life.
Everyone has a story
And in those stories, we all have something in common. We laugh. We learn. We love. We feel pain. We have hope. We hit the bottom. We have dreams. We have nightmares.
Nightmares, my son has been having nightmares. The kind that seem to be so vivid, that he doesn’t want to go to sleep at night, because he doesn’t want to take a chance on having a nightmare. It’s given us the chance to be creative, every day, in an effort to find a way for him to sleep. Currently, that’s on the floor next to his sister. (it’s just the right distance he said”)
I had nightmares too.
I remember
not wanting to go to sleep at night. I remember it being really dark in my room, and I would try as hard as I could to stay in bed and go to sleep. Most nights that worked, but on occasion (and my sister would say that was every night!), I’d break down and call my dad”it sounded something like this”it started out quiet and low, and moved up the scale to hit a loud high note.. daaaaaaaaaDDDD!
My dad
Even though he had just gone to bed, because he worked at night, would get up, rock me in the rocking chair and rub my feet. Then, I could sleep. I remembered that this morning, when I was racking my brain on what to do to help my son. And, I remembered that just being there was what I remembered.
Today
As you go through the day, and for some reason, you recall something, a memory, of something that happened in your life years ago, days ago, or a few hours ago, take it as a sign.
Take a moment and
Do something
Call them, write them, stop by their desk”and let them know, they made a difference in your life. Because
just being there is sometimes the best gift of all
This is the beginning of a series.
Lesson 1: Negative gets you negative:
If you are still thinking that this Pollyanna positive crap doesn’t work read on. I was half way through writing 50 letters, when I was having dinner with some very good friends. I was telling them about what I was doing, and one of them asked me if all my letters where positive. My first response was, of course they are!
I checked my assumptions. My second response was good question.
So, I conducted my own test.
The Negative Letter Test
The next day, I decided to write a letter to someone in my life that did in fact make a difference, but it was a negative experience vs. a positive one. I can still remember the day. I sat writing the letter, and sinking into the couch. The more I typed, the worse I felt. The letter seemed to have
Venom
pouring off the pages! Which is ironic, since that is the exact behavior I attributed to the person I was writing. When I was done, I remember thinking
How gross I felt
I went for a run, to see if I could get rid of the feeling. Nope. I went home and took a long shower and it was still there. I got a call from my partner, who heard my voice and said ‘what’s the matter with you,” She could hear it in my voice. Midway through lunch with a friend, I finally talked about it and realized just how quickly the negative letter had me
Spiraling downward
And, I learned
This was a real exercise in just letting go.
Letting myself acknowledge what I had learned from this person. Seeing the good. Maybe it was a Zen test or something.
A test in not holding on.
A test in taking power back.
Because when I wrote the letter from a placed of pain and fear, and hurt, that is what remained.
It’s like the story that my friend Jim told me. Bear with me as I butcher it.
A solider, was holding a sharp spear at the neck of a monk, ready to kill him. The soldier noticed that the monk seemed to be un-phased by the event. The solider shouted, “Don’t you understand I have the power to kill you right now!” The monk replied “don’t you understand I have the power to not care.”
Well, those damn stories just seem so philosophical, and profound. Not within reach. And yet writing this letter and continuing to reflect on it, the story came to life. It doesn’t mean that the stuff this person did was any less yucky. In fact, I think they had a “Human Sharpnel Strategy vs. a Human Capital Strategy” In my opinion, it was and still is gross…. AND when I stopped focusing on that, I took the power away from the yucky and back to me. Missy 1, Yucky 0.
It took purposeful, focused attention to get my energy going the other direction.
I never sent the letter. I didn’t need to.
Remember:
When writing a letter to someone who impacted your life in a negative way. Write the letter from your heart. Next, put the letter away for a week. Go back and consider what you learned from the person. For instance, I learned that people deserve respect regardless of their positional power, which was the opposite behavior of the person I was writing to. Hold on to that part, and let go of the negative part. I am, by no means, suggesting that what the person did was not yucky. I am suggesting that
Getting rid of it creates a place for something different, and maybe even better.
This is a Guest Blog post by Danny Gutierrez. He’s a husband, a dad, a raised-in-Peru foodie, who loves life. He’s also a church planter & co-pastor of Bloom. When I read this story, I sat in tears. The kind of tears that are nourishing, not draining. Thank You Danny, for sharing this amazing, heart touching story.
Two days in a row is what it took for me to recognize there was more to my reflections then simply another string of pleasant thoughts.
I have a friend that kept coming to mind earlier this week. More specifically, it was the awe I felt as I watched the current chapter of his life unfold that held my fascination. My friend should be dead. It should be over for him. I have known about him for a while, yet not really connected with him on a meaningful personal level until recently as his life, that seemed to already be at rock bottom, sprung a trap door and took him to a new low; a low that his family was even wondering if he’d recover from.
I remember sitting on his hospital bed, looking into the eyes of a man who has lived many years of pain who wondered if this was how it would all end. And in the last couple months I’ve seen a man who manifestly decided that it was not over. I’ve seen a man allow something bigger than his fears, uncertainties, his past hurts, to pick him up and help him put his life back together.
And my mind kept playing the last series of events over and over again. The lance-armstrong-esque determination my friend was displaying to reclaim life while moving forward had me awestruck.
And then a non-original thought hit me, one that this important work has brought to many of our attention. Tell him how thankful you are for him.
My friend is not on Facebook, twitter, or email. And I felt like simply telling him in person would come across a bit canned. Of course! What else do you say to a man whose life is being so radically changed?
So I pulled out a pen and a sheet of paper, an envelope, a stamp, and a physical street address and I began sharing how thankful I was for his strength and his courage, and what that all meant to me.
And I realized that the thank you is what acknowledged that I had made the inspiration my own. It was now a gift he had freely given me.
It was like the inspiration that had floated around my head for two days settled somewhere in my soul
when I signed my name to that letter. And now I know that the thoughts surrounding all of this will never be fleeting since they are enshrined on that note that he has in his possession.
The letter, and more importantly the sentiment, is a matter of our relational history now.
My life is richer
for knowing this man.
My hope for life more robust
having witnessed him take the outstretched hand of his Maker to sit up from a bed of pain he has been laying in for years.
Missy asked me to consider sharing what I learned from writing this last letter.
I learned
There are SO MANY life changing and free gifts swirling around our heads, laying at our feet, lingering in our past, that can become ours if we just receive them and say” Thank you.
Welcome to the blogging world Michele Elin! Michele has a passion for many things, including living big, dreaming big. This is a guest blog post by Michele, who is making her way through life, with life, in life. Check out her Blog and Thank You Michele, for sharing your thoughts with the world.
1. Figure out who you are and who and how you want to be. Write it down. I stared with five things. Add, cross off as you go.
2. Ask people. Send out a quick email text asking people for 3 words to describe you. I was surprised by what I got back.
3. Tell people. Give back. Make sure you tell people what you see in them – It’s another way of saying thank you.
Here I am
in the middle of the night, thinking. I’m thinking about people that have made a difference in my life. Missy came to mind as one of them.
It really seems kind of silly. We don’t really know each other, but last week we had a chance to grab a cup of coffee. She was telling me what she had been up to in the last year and I really tuned in to her talking about her struggle to find her lost identity in the absence of a “job”. We all naturally default to our job title when asked what we do. We don’t naturally say we’re a parent or a great friend or a spouse or a listener or an energizer or we’re a connector of people. We define ourselves by our jobs.
I’ve always thought
the self-awareness journey was about your consciousness of you. When talking to her, I started to wonder how much others’ perceptions should and/or could inform your own
consciousness. Would any of you that know Missy say that she is lacking in identity?
I’m not saying that our perceptions are correct, and I know the old saying ‘your perception is reality.’ I wonder how much the composite of your perceptions of Missy is at all close to her perception of herself.
I’ve long been fascinated by the question of what people see when they look at me. Would those perceptions change what I think about myself? Should they? Is it important to know how much difference there is between my self-perception & others perception of me?
I’m not really sure….so I’ll just keep exploring
Life’s just a journey with a bunch of steps that I’ll keep taking.
Yesterday, I went on my 1st field trip with my 1st grader. We went to the Bakken . It’s a pretty cool place and a great example of a guy with a vision and a passion for something…it just happen to be electricity. Earl Bakken. Everyone’s got a story…and his is pretty cool.
As I stood there, with all the other moms’ and 2 dad’s….i was wondering what the heck I was suppose to do! I’m still a rookie at this stuff…the mom stuff, field trip volunteering stuff…I hate to admit it, but I was reallly nervous. I’d rather speak in front of 10,000 people…now that’s easy!
I was ‘assigned’ 4 kids, one of which was mine. Thank goodness…she pretty much just told me what to do. (not sure where she get’s that from!) Go this way, these are my friends, sit here….she’s gonna be fine when she grows up….
On our 1st stop, we had a volunteer from the museum teaching us stuff about magnets & electricity. Before we got started, she asked for some ‘rules’ from the kids. Here’s what they came up with:
1. Don’t do bad stuff
2. Don’t touch stuff you’re not suppose to
3. Be Safe
4. Don’t run in the museum
5. Listen
I love it when I get to learn from the simplicity of kids. I wrote these down, and thought, yep, I think it’s a pretty good list.
If kids ruled the world, I don’t think it would be any less complex, but I think the simplicity & in the moment spirit in which kids live, would make day to day living a whole lot easier…and fun.
What have you learned from a kid today?
p.s. My favorite quote from the day was from a student…”my friend touched an electric fence he wasn’t suppose to. He got shocked. He had a smudge on his face. He liked the smudge.” I couldn’t stop laughing!
I am a proud parent. Really proud. I’m warning you that if you aren’t in the mood for gushing, you might want to skip this post!
My daughter is 7, born into a family of extroverts. Well, I’m a functioning introvert, but that’s just as bad. This is quite challenging for her sometimes, since she is the exact opposite. Clearly, exiting the womb, as an introvert. I’m sure, that if she could have talked when born, she would have said “I was doing just fine where I was”why can’t I just stay here,”
So, can imagine our surprise, when last year, we attended the summer show that Circus Juventas puts on every year, where she announced
“I’d like to join the circus.”
What! The circus? Are you kidding me? And her simple reply, yes.
Why in the WORLD would an introvert want to join a circus?
and perform in front of, oh, say, 500 people at a time? Maybe it’s because all the introverts I know are adults, and by the way, if I asked any of them if they would do it, their answer would be a bold NO!
So, last fall, she started going once a week to practice, under the big top. If you haven’t been to this place, it’s got to be on your list of things to do. It’s very cool. The first semester she took a class called circus experience, and got to try something new every week”trapeze, German wheel, hoops, silks, trampoline, juggling, you name it. The next semester, she was still excited and got to choose a class to focus on a skill.
I was secreting hoping for juggling, because it’s done on the ground.
She chose side by side trapeze, off the ground.
I was surprised at first, and after I thought about it, decided if I was doing it, that’s what I would have picked!
Every week, we pile in the minivan and head off to St. Paul for class. My 4 year old and I sit in the back, and watch all the kids practice. I must admit, I have been irritated on more than one occasion, while in stuck in traffic, wishing secretly that she’d change her mind”but, she didn’t. And now I’m glad”.because,
Under the big top, she has been learning:
1. Self confidence: That she CAN do things that scare her. I can’t tell you how many people that know her, comment on how confident she is becoming.
2. Strength, Physical & Mental: When not at the circus, she’s on the monkey bars at a park, until her hands blister. She is completely at home on the monkey bars, almost like breathing air.
3. Mistakes are ok: She falls off the bar, and guess what, just gets back up. No negative self talk, no processing why she fell, she just gets back up, and keeps going. That’s a skill that’s gonna come in handy…
Last night, was her 1st performance, and I was holding back tears. Proud tears, for a little girl, an introvert, who continues to face her fears, and “smile & style”.
I am glad, my daughter ran off and joined the circus, and it’s one of the best things that have happened in her life.
It really does take a village, or in this case, a circus, to raise a child.
Thanks Circus Juventas, for making the world a better place~
p.s. I STRONGLY recommend seeing the show this summer…July 29-August 15. If only for a few hours, you can escape the day, imagine yourself flying threw the air, and join the circus.
Special Thank You’s to:
Dan & Betty Butler, for your vision to start this non-profit 16 years ago and now is the largest circus school in the country. (And for hanging out at FSU, one of my colleges!)
Marissa Dorschner, for coaching Ellie, and helping our little introvert figure out the world and do things she didn’t think she could do.
Kasey Scarpello, for answering the same questions, over and over, with a smile. Administrators are the life blood of any organization, and you are no exception!
To all of the coaches, who come from all over the world, USSR, Mongolia, Morocco, Chile, China, India, to share their talent with our kids”.Zina Avgoustova, Jason Burnstein, Tim Carlson, Risa Cohen, Zacc Fricke, Chimgee Haltarhuu, Mostapha Hassouni, Jeff Kasper, Charley Mason, Bat Nyangar, Lili Rancone, Amy Sackett, Sun Yan Hong, Zhang Xu, Rachel Butler, Lena Gould”and the student coaches Maria Balogh & Joey McEachern.
To the administrative folks: Nicole Lahoz Arne, Emily Janssen, Rhiannon Fisk, and Kim Thompson. Like the inside of a clock, you make things tick, without you, there would be no circus.
Sometimes, if you are tall enough, not in height, but in spirit, I think you can read the message.
I think Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos got the message
IF you find people that are Passionate. IF you take care of People. PROFITS follow.
His new book, Delivering Happiness is a great story. It’s Tony’s story, and”
Wait, you don’t have the book yet?
Because it’s not released until June 7!!!!
BUT, you could win an advanced copy!
(I’ve read it and it’s worth it!!)
It’s easy.
1. Finish this sentence “I want to read Delivering Happiness because”"..
2. Email it to {encode=”melissadurant@msn.com” title=”Missy”}by May 6, 2010.
3. The finalist will be selected based on the amount of laughter when read to a 4 & 7 year old, and your book mailed to you.
4. The final response will be posted on May 10, 2010
Have fun!!!
She is now owns an advance copy of Delivering Happiness!Here was her response, that got THE biggest laugh from kids:
I want to read Delivering Happiness because”"..I want to learn how to make a hippopotamus laugh.
What can we learn from Sanu?
Read the question:
I got some very intellectual responses. Great if it’s your dissertation for your MBA. Not so much if you are making a kid laugh!
Go head and be yourself:
“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken” Oscar Wilde
That’s what Tony Hsieh did”and it worked for him.
You lose this time. I just sent my manuscript to my editor. I admit, I sat for a long time thinking about hitting the send button. You tried. You tried hard to give me a multitude of reasons why I shouldn’t send it. “it’s too short”, “really, you’re not a writer”, “what if she thinks I’m a wacko,”, “what if it’s just pure crap”. I ignored you instead. I hit send, and I’m still here. So”go back to sleep lizard brain, until I really need you”.cheers, Missy
What’s a lizard brain?
It’s a small part of our brain, at the base of our skull. It’s real, and its sole purpose is to help us survive. That was a really important part of the brain at a point in our evolution. It’s really important, if say, you are in a tornado, or lost in the woods. Or maybe you need to run really fast and get away from a bear. Now, those are circumstances that require survival. But, how often do those happen? Once in a lifetime?
Today however, the lizard brain hovers quietly, waiting to be needed. The problem is what the Lizard brain considers ‘needed’ and you consider ‘needed’ are a very different beast. Who knew that writing a letter would be a threat to the lizard brain.
Lizard’s love fear
That’s because, Lizards have a keen sense of smell. They and can sniff out fear, even before you realize it. Fears that quite possibly have been lingering with us, tucked away in our subconscious since childhood. Fear of being rejected, fear of being laughed at or maybe being ‘the last one picked’ for the kickball team.
When I tell someone my story about 50 letters the typical response is at first positive, then immediately, the person who start a list of reasons why they couldn’t write a letter. “What will they think,”, “If I write mom, I have to write dad,”"they probably won’t remember me,” “I don’t even know where they live now” “what if they think it’s silly”. If any of these sound familiar, keep reading.
When I started holding small informal stitched gatherings, I would begin by telling my story, and then give people a blank piece of paper, a pen and a stamped envelope. Everything they needed. Inevitably, there would be at least 1 person, who would use their paper to start a list of people they would write to. Several others would sit there, restlessly contemplating their escape from the room and at the right moment close their book and walk away.
Fear makes a Lizard Brain very happy.
Fear of rejection. Fear of being different. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of you fill in the blank.
Today, in a moment, I stared down the lizard brain, and won. I’ll take that small victory”
Want to learn more about lizard brain? Pick up It’s a great read….
The world lost 2 amazing people last week
Al ‘Doc’ Hixon & Edna Saffy didn’t know each other. Or at least, I don’t think they did. Edna lived in Jacksonville, FL….Doc lived in Daytona Beach, Florida. They lived about an hour and a half apart. As it turns out,
it doesn’t matter where you live, you can make a mark on the world
Al Hixon lived a remarkable 92 years. He is survived by his wife, Martha, a bunch of children, grandchildren & great-grandchildren. Al did a lot of amazing stuff. Read the article his daughter Kathy wrote and you’ll see…What I remember most about Al was his heart. I’m not sure, I’ve ever met anyone with a kinder heart than Al. When I was a kid, and we stayed over at the Hixon’s, I always felt safe. Not because the doors were locked, I doubt they were back then. It was the love in that house, and from Al and Martha…..
Dr. Edna Saffy lived 75 amazing years. She is survived by her husband Grady and her brother Ralph. Edna was an activist. With the kind of courage and strength that could fall the biggest giant. Edna fought for human rights. All human rights, which is what made Edna a pure gift to the world. She believed, and through her actions, made sure every voice was heard, in a city that didn’t always appreciate difference. That never stopped Edna.
Al & Edna made a difference in the world.
The world where they lived, in the city where they lived, in the community they loved.
They were both a gift to the world and will be missed.
Peace be with you both~
I just spent 45 minutes running listening to this song over and over. It’s a song I listen to when I feel like the worlds really big, and I’m feeling small. Before you go any further, take 3 minutes, and just Listen.
I spent the weekend with 60 kids at camp.
Every one of them has experienced a loss recently”a mom, a dad, a sibling, a grandparent” This is my second year, and it still made me question my beliefs”. a lot. Why these kids, so young and full of life, have this big crap to deal with.
Friday night
I wondered if I could deal with it”.
We had the biggest bundle of pent up energy from 60 kids I had ever seen in my life. They were all over the place, figuratively speaking. Our group was more like a gymnastics session and the campfire was more like a round up. By 11:00, we were beat, and questioning if this weekend was going to work.
I thought”"I can’t do this”"
Then I remembered. Alan
Alan and I were in a workshop together once. I had already determined he was the weakest person in the group. So, when we had to do an activity that involved us standing in a big circle, arms forming a T, finger tips touching, and Alan stood next to me I thought”I can’t do this for him too.
The instructions were no talking, stand as long as you can and everyone makes it. When Alan’s hands started to drop, I swung my head around, made eye contact and willed his arms back up. It seemed like I did this a thousand times”and I was getting tired.
Someone realized the instructions said no talking”not no singing, and began to sing. That helped for a while, and then my arms started to get tired”.and Alan looked at me, and started to sing. Alan was a beautiful piano player, but he couldn’t sing”.the most beautiful sounds came out and my arms lifted.
I didn’t have to do it alone”.
I could get support. It remains one of my biggest lessons in life”
I couldn’t do it alone, but together, with the other 29 volunteers, we did”.
There’s an activity that we do that involves gluing a broken plate back together, then decorating in memory of their loved one. It’s a tough activity”
hot glue gun + broken plates with sharp pieces + 9 year olds= potential for anything to happen.
But there’s something strangely magical that happens for the kids…and us too.
It’s a reminder.
We all have wounds, some deeper than others. Wounds that when taken care of, heal and leave a scar. A scar that over time, softens, yet is always a part of us”we keep going.
60 kids & 30 volunteers showed up on Friday. 90 people emerged on Sunday”and in the words of Israel Kamakawiwo “I see friends shaking hands saying, “how do you do? They’re really saying, I”I love you.
90 of us”.a little more healed.
Special thanks to the Moyer Foundation for sponsoring Camp Erin & the Wise Women from Fairview Youth Grief Serviceswho put it all together”Jenny, Lisa, Katie & BJ.
Today life changed forever. Last night they recieved the news that the plane that carried Luke, Nate, Nick & Noah was found with no survivors.
Their live changed in an instant.
I don’t understand it and it leaves me with more questions than answers when it comes to god.
A very good friend of mine stopped by my house last Tuesday when I called her with the news. Here is the conversation I continue to play over and over in my head.
“Is there really a god? Then why and the hell do bad things happen to good people….” me.
“I don’t know. It’s the 54M dollar question. Not sure any of us will really know.” my wise friend Jenny.
“That doesn’t help.” me
“Everyone wants the answer to the big question in times like these….and when they don’t get it, they want the answer to all the little questions….it’s just natural.” my really wise friend Jenny.
Big sigh…”That makes sense…” me.
Today, when the time between seconds seem to turn into hours, I have a lot of little questions I want answered. And each time, I stop and remember what my friend Jenny said, I take a deep breath, and let go wanting answers to the little things. And when I do the space between the seconds seems to return to normal for a while.
I’ve repeated that process a lot today. Because life really is precious.
Every day in Uganda, fourteen hundred mothers pass HIV on to their newborns.
“Hallowed be they name…..”
Fourteen hundred deaths.
“They Kingdom Come….”
Fourteen hundred graves.
“Thy will be done…”
Red earth drummed onto fourteen hundred coffins.
“On earth as it is in heaven.”
If only I could do more.
~Twesigye Jackson Kaguri from his book The Price of StonesRather than get lost in his grief, Twesigye founded a school, Nyaka AIDS Orphans School. He did it one brick at a time, turning hope into action. It’s an amazing story, a must read, a great holiday gift. Buy one for you and give one away!
Twesigye, you are a gift to the world. Webale~
Words and Centuries
Letter to the Widow Bixby, November 21, 1864
Executive Mansion,
Washington, November 21, 1864.
Dear Madam,
I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle.
I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.
I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.
Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,
A. Lincoln
Many people ask the question, “Why write a letter? Why not tell the person,” Maybe it is because “”writing a letter creates an intimacy that’s hard to achieve with spoken word.” one participant recently said as he covered is heart with his hand. Words on a page are everlasting, a testimony of an experience and somehow have the ability to reveal details of the heart.
Abe Lincoln wrote this letter to the Widow Bixby in 1864 to express his gratitude and sympathy for the death of her sons during the civil war. His choices for communication at the time were in person or a handwritten letter. Over a century later, in the one hundred thirty-seven words he penned, we still feel the deepness and are moved by the emotion he was trying to convey. And even though we did not know him, when we read the words, it’s as if his voice and tone live on in the letter.
Letters have that power.
Sometimes events happen in our lives that are big. So big, it’s hard to make sense, because there is no sense to make. I imagine there were moments, when President Lincoln questioned his faith, questioned if this horrific war, a war full of bigger meaning and impact, was worth all the individual lives that were being taken. It was a war within a nation that had brothers fighting brothers, tearing families apart. In times like these when events of this magnitude can paralyze even the strongest, finding a way to connect to something small, in this case writing a letter to a mother of fallen soldiers likely created a way to keep moving forward. It provides a way to re-engage and feel a connection to something bigger.
Every one of us wants to know that our life mattered, that there was a reason or a purpose we are here. I imagine, President Lincoln knew this when he both expressed his sympathy for the Widow Bixby’s loss and acknowledged that their death was not in vain. “But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the Republic they died to save.” In these words live a legacy, a written account and reminder that each of our existence on this earth does matter. And while the act of writing a letter may seem dated, a time consuming task when the options for communicating are many, words on a page have withstood the test of time as a way to convey what we think and how we feel. The page has a way of absorbing the pace of life, and creates a genuine presence and intimacy lost in other forms of communication. It has a way of connecting our head and our heart, exposing something real, a naked vulnerability.
Letters have power…
Today, I decided to write 49 more letters. Well, because, next week, I turn 49, and I’ve decided to embrace my age, much like my kids.
Because an entire year has gone by, and I’m running around my life with a list in my head, of all the people I am grateful for. Carrying it with me everywhere with good intent.
I’ve thought….tonight will be the night, when I put the kids to bed”I’ll write that letter.
Then I lie in bed and think….. tomorrow will be the day, during lunch, I’ll just write the letter.
I blink and the week is gone…. so maybe Saturday morning will be a better time, I’ll get up before the kids, and just write the letter. But the kids get up before me, and we’re smack dab in the middle of it!
So, Sunday night. That’s it. That will work. When everyone is getting ready for the week, I’ll tuck away in the office and write the letter in between making the family calendar, returning a few work emails and ordering that birthday present for”.
The weeks have passed with good intention sweeping by like the second hand on a watch.
There is no letter. Only good intent.
Lucky for me, I still remember the words from a wise barista. Structure is important. So I decide to write 49 more. 49more letters. Structure is all I need. However, there’s still a problem.
The paper is blank.
Blank.
Still Blank.
Wait, look who’s here? Well hey there doubting Thomas!
I should be able to do this. Just write a letter. What is wrong with me. Excuses show up, reasons to just wait for later. Maybe after yoga, then it will be the right time.
Yoga! That’s it!
Practice.
It’s not yoga completion. It’s a practice.
Writing letters is a practice. Gratitude is a practice, not a destination.
That small change in perspective, small shift was all it took to write my first letter, again!
One down, 48 to go.
Today is National Coming Out Day. Robert Eichberg came up the idea in 1988.
In 1988, I had no idea there was such a day. That’s because every day for me in 1988 was National Keep the Door Closed Tight on the Closet Day. And let me tell you this”holding the door closed was exhausting.
I decided when I was 15, that I would keep that part of me really secret. Because, I just knew, it was really horrible. Something you don’t talk about. That was the message I got growing up in the South.
I did finally come out, in 1992.
I took a deep breath each time I was ready to tell someone, and braced myself for a potential backlash. It never happened. But I still braced myself.
In 1993 I went to the March on Washington for GLBT rights.
There were 1 Million people there.
It was a life-changing event.
I remember calling my parents, and my dad saying, “We should be there with you.” I could hear him choking back tears.
I was feeling really high when I got back to Jacksonville, FL. All my co-workers wanted to know how it was, wanted details so they could share in the high. All but one.She walked by my office that afternoon and said, “I know where you went, and I’m praying for you.”
And in all the years since, she is the only person who had something potentially negative to say to me. And in the end, I’ll take all the prayers that come my way.
Imagine my surprise
that in 2011, I found myself unconsciously bracing myself again. Wondering what people that don’t even know me might think when they find out.
That’s because I wrote a book. Which was a good idea, until I realized people would read it. And in the book, I tell several stories, because it’s a part of who I am. I had convinced myself that I’d sell a few books to friends and family, but had already written off any other sales. All because I didn’t want to come out AGAIN! Hadn’t I already done that!
My amazing partner Sam asked me enough questions a couple of weeks ago on a vacation that I realized what I was doing. Holding on tight to the closet door, again.
When I realized that’s what I was doing, I got up from my beach chair, walked into the ocean and took a swim.
I walked out a lot lighter.
I’ve told this story a few times now, and the same thing that happened years ago, happened again. When I speak from the heart, it creates a sacred moment, and the person I am talking to always shares something heavy on their heart.
Today, I am so very grateful.
For the women who got me to that march in 1993 and for the women who prayed for me in 1993.
For a man I never met, Robert Eichberg.
For Sam, who is just the most amazing person in the world.
And for my parents, who got on a train in 2000, at the age of 70, and marched with us in Washington DC.
For more than 15 years, Missy got paid to believe in people as a successful human resources professional for very large U.S. businesses. Then she threw her life into a tailspin, on purpose, as she left her job and began a search for something deeper. Today, one of the things that matters most to her is inspiring others to let gratitude for the things that matter most – people – set the course for their lives.